The Dust Bunny Chronicles

The Elephant

2011-03-02T19:55:00.003-06:00

A long-time friend just recently found out she has breast cancer. She has been heavy on my heart and constantly in my prayers since I heard the news last Friday.

I have actually cried more while crying out to God on her behalf more than I did the entire time I was experiencing cancer.

This perplexed me and I have sought to understand what was going on with me.

As I was thinking about her yesterday and praying, God gave me the most wonderful analogy, and I just had to share.

Any major life crisis, cancer, in this case, is like an elephant in your life. And in order to function, this elephant has to be carried. For one person, this is beyond impossible and would completely incapacitate them.

But your friends, family, their friends and family (and their friends and family, and so on) get word of your crisis and pray. They drive carpool, make meals, clean your house, do laundry, run errands, and sit with you.

In essence, they are coming together and "lifting" the elephant for you. Their combined effort makes the task possible, and lightens the burden of the bearer - the person experiencing the crisis.

When I first started my cancer treatment, I remember praying one day with my precious friends Kim and Fran. When it was my turn to pray, all I could say was, "Thank you Lord for those who are carrying the burden of my cancer, because all that is left for me to feel is peace." And it was so true. I could "sit under the elephant" without fear of being crushed because the burden was faithfully lifted by so many over the months of my treatment.

Now I have the privilege of carrying the elephant for my friend, Julie. And it is my hope and prayer that the burden that remains for her is so light that all that is left for her is peace.

And I have a new appreciation for all that those prayer warriors did for me. Thank you just isn't enough.

Vote for LCA

2010-08-30T23:58:00.002-05:00

This school is very important to our family and we would appreciate, if you have a facebook account, your votes (you can vote 5 times for one school)!

Just click on the "Dream Big. Act Now." Button to the left.

Only 4 days remain to vote!

Thanks,

What Mothers Do

2010-05-09T02:28:00.007-05:00

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share a few thoughts on mothers I have had/heard in recent weeks:

I have been working my way through Beth Moore's Bible Study, "Esther", for over a year now. Thankfully, after months of trying to do it solo, I have joined a "group" and the accountability has spurred me on toward completion.

In the first week Beth focused a portion her teaching on Esther as an orphan. A child without a mother. And this precipitated a story about Beth's daughter and grandson that I have not been able to stop thinking about. I wish you could just hear it straight from her, because no one can tell a story like Beth. But I will do my best to summarize:

Amanda, Beth's daughter, told her a story about Jackson, who is 19 months old. He had learned to sit and eat goldfish in his chair and he was happily doing it in the next room, while chattering to himself. It got very quiet, and as any mother would do, Amanda peeked in to check on him.

There was Jackson, feeding goldfish to their Golden Retriever, sticking his fist practically down his throat in the process. Once he had given a goldfish to the dog, he would eat one. This continued back and forth and Jackson was so proud of himself for sharing with his "buddy". When he saw his mother walk in to the room, he grinned from ear to ear, held up a goldfish, and said, "Mama!"

At that point, Amanda had a decision to make, eat the goldfish covered with dog slobber and make her little boy's day or reject it and break his heart. And so . . . she ate it.

Beth finished up by asking, "Who else is going to do that but your mother!?!"

And I thought, THAT is what Moms do . . . they tolerate slobber, spit up, sweat, tears and worse. They go without to give to their children. They love and they love without expecting anything in return.

Another thought came to me on a camp out a few weeks ago at about 4:30 a.m.:

I had the privilege of going with M3 on her first Girl Scout camp out and honestly I was as excited as she was. There were 6 moms and 11 girls staying in 5 tents. M3 had surprised me by telling the leader she wanted to stay in a tent with 3 other girls (no moms) because I had assumed she would want to stay with me.

Now, being that I AM her mother and all, I do know her pretty well. So, in the back of my mind, I was prepared that she might end up sleeping with me over the course of the night.

When we all "turned in" we were keeping watch on my smart phone (despite the fact we had no running water and cooked all our meals over a fire, we did manage to have cellular access) at the giant storm that was headed our direction. It was due to hit some time in the middle of the night, and we were prepared for the worst.

I felt a sense of responsibility, being that I had access to the radar map, to keep checking on it through the night. And about every 15 minutes my sense of responsibility would wake me up to update the map. Amazingly, the storm dissipated and all we got was a lovely cool front and some light rain out of the whole thing.

But about the time the rain stopped, I felt a hand on my leg, and heard a familiar, "Mom?" There, in my tent was my sweet M3.

At first I was angry, because she is not supposed to be out by herself. But before I could react, she explained that she needed some insect repellent for her and her "buddy" who was standing outside the tent waiting for her.

My anger gave way to admiration, because I recognized that it took a great deal of courage to come across the campground and find me in the middle of the night, even with a buddy.

And then she finally broke down and said she wanted to go home. The wind was loud and she couldn't sleep (and I could tell she was scared).

I am sure she was thinking, "Mom's tent is full, there is no where for me to sleep in there. I will never make it through the night without her."

God had already prepared me for this moment, because I simply said, "Would you like to sleep in my cot with me?"

That was all she needed to hear.

We went back, got her blankets and the two of us settled down in my little cot for the rest of the night.

She held my hand to her chest and I could feel her heart still pounding from fear.

In just a few minutes, though, it slowed and I realized she was asleep.

In a matter of minutes she went from tears to peaceful slumber, safe in her mother's arms.

And again I thought, "That's what moms do."

That's what ONLY moms can do.

Thank you, Mom, for teaching me how to do what only moms can do.

Thank you, my Mother-in-law, friends, and family, for being encouragers and examples.

Happy Mother's Day!

Can you believe . . .

2010-02-04T21:47:00.004-06:00

this is my SON?!?

After the last game of his Junior High Basketball career. 25 wins and 2 losses. What an exciting season!

Happy Groundhog Day!

2010-02-02T09:02:00.004-06:00

M4 asked this morning what the Groundhog Day Cupcakes

were all about. So we did a little searching

and found the youtube video to "educate" him on the great American tradition . . .

With all the acorns around here, I think (the squirrels at least)could survive a LOT more than six weeks of winter . . .

Have a great day!

Happy New Year

2010-01-05T10:33:00.002-06:00

Our traditional sparkling white grape juice toast on New Year's Eve

In 2009:

I started the year without any hair.

I drove daily (M-F) to radiation every week in January.

I enjoyed watching M1 play basketball, M1 & M2 play baseball and soccer, M3 play softball and swim and M4 play his first season of soccer.

I was declared "cancer-free".

My husband took me on a wonderful, week-long vacation to Hawaii.

M1 has grown gracefully into a teenager.

M2 has singlehandedly taught M3 and M4 to ride their bikes (in one week's time!)

M3 has returned to full-time homeschool and we both LOVE it!

M4 has learned his alphabet and to count to "infinity".

I lost my car keys - about four months ago - and still haven't found them.

Got to spend a week with my family at Disneyworld.

Celebrated my parents 45th anniversary.

Bid farewell, temporarily, to two dear friends. Robbie, and family, to Australia and Marie, and family, to Canada.

Said goodbye, until heaven, to friend, Carol, and "Papa Doc", my SIL's father.

Enjoyed watching M3 sing, with friend, Hannah, and M1 and M2 perform the swordfight scene as Inigo Montoya and "The Man in Black" from the movie, "The Princess Bride" in the school talent show.

Made it through two rounds of preventative treatments. (TWO TO GO!!)

Learned that you don't go to the urgent care clinic when you are having chest pain (no matter what adjective you use to describe it . . .)

After cleaning my house for a full week (having nothing else to do during that time), and being very pleased with myself, am coming to grips with the fact that, though it will not stay that way, "Without oxen a stable stays clean, but you need a strong ox for a large harvest." Proverbs 14:4. And despite the mess they make, I am VERY thankful for my many oxen (I mean, children).

Beyond the Door

2010-01-03T19:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard the song "Heaven in the Face" by Stephen Curtis Chapman? He wrote the song after his five-year-old daughter, Maria, was killed in a tragic accident.

The first time I heard it I actually thought I might have a wreck it was so emotional for me. And every time since, it takes me back to that place of longing, of missing Michael to my very core, just for a moment.

I completely understand where he is coming from, losing a child. Despite the fact that I never knew Michael in this world, except for inside of me, his loss drained me completely. For a very long time.

So why do I bring this up today? I heard the song again on the radio.

I don't often hear it alone, so I don't usually get to listen and contemplate the words.

I've always understood, in listening to the song, that, to Chapman, heaven is all the special and wonderful things that he remembers of Maria while she was alive. And all of the sudden, I HEARD what he was saying. These are the words of the chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

When Michael died, I was consumed with the thought of him in heaven. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to be here on earth, too. I would find myself talking to God and saying stuff like, "God, I know you are the greatest thing in heaven, but when I get there, I just want to see Michael."

I am sure it is that way with any loss: child, friend, parent, sibling. You miss them so much you just can't wait to see them again. And they will be the ones "meeting you at the door". And you want to see them so desperately that nothing else about heaven matters, but just getting to the door.

Over time, God gently reminded me to "miss" Michael and "worship" Jesus. Because it is only because I know Jesus that I could ever hope to see Michael again. To long for heaven because Jesus has prepared a place for me there.

And someday Michael will meet me at the door and take me by the hand and lead me to Him.

Blast from the past

2010-01-02T06:08:00.007-06:00

We have been doing some MAJOR cleaning (as in "cleaning out") and I came across the oddest thing. It was a box, marked "Master Bathroom" that has been sitting in our linen closet next to the laundry basket SINCE WE MOVED IN TO THIS HOUSE.

The funny thing is, I thought it had cleaning supplies/tools in it. Like caustic chemicals and "As seen on TV" type cleaning tools that never worked for me.

But I opened it up, to "clean it out" and this is what I found:

Just for fun, see if you can figure out what this box was for - I'll give you some clues.

This box made the move with us to this house in December of 2000.

I had packed this particular "box" actually in DECEMBER 1999.

It had a hand can opener, napkins, paper towels, trash bags, baggies, flash lights (with batteries dated 1999 in them), a can of lysol, matches, paper cups and plastic utensils.

It was stored in our previous home in the crawl space under our stairs with about 20 gallons of water.

Can you guess what it was for?

IT WAS

ONE OF TWO BOXES

OF OUR

Y2K SURVIVAL KIT!

Talk about a blast from the past. This time ten years ago, the civilized world was breathing a sigh of relief that the world as we knew it then did not come screeching to a halt as it hit midnight of 12/31/99.

It caused me to go back in time to what our lives were like in 1999.

Ten years ago, we had two small children aged four and almost two. Neither had played an organized sport, yet. I had just turned 30. We had three dogs. We lived in a different city. We didn't know that terrorists could fly airplanes into skyscrapers. We didn't know what it was like to be in a major car accident, lose a child, have cancer. We didn't quite understand how MUCH God loves us and how GOOD He really is.

I miss a lot about ten years ago. But I am so grateful for the lessons of life and love that we have been allowed to learn in the past decade!

I think I'll keep my Y2K box. It can be my "Hurricane Preparedness" box (now that I know what is in it :) )

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T12:26:00.000-06:00

Bookends

2009-12-24T23:53:00.004-06:00

Today God is celebrating with me. Once again He is sending snow. (This time we are in north Texas visiting family) For most people, they are welcoming a white Christmas. I am welcoming a “You did it!” from God.

He sent me snow to start my treatments this month. And he sent snow to mark the end. (I completed my last treatment yesterday!)

Never in my life have I experienced snow in Texas twice in one decade, let alone in a month!

Thank you to all my friends and family who prayed, fed, and helped us through this month,too. We couldn’t have done it without you!

Buddies

2009-12-20T11:26:00.001-06:00

Adding another puppy is sort of like adding another sibling to the child mix. It takes some time and effort to get them to like each other. And a little bit longer to be sure the big one isn't going to hurt/kill the little one.

We seem to be making progress and Feller and Missy seem to be the best of buds.

Taking Matters into My Own Hands

2009-12-17T11:05:00.002-06:00

WARNING: This is more of a self-medicating trial-and-error post full of information simply for myself to remember in the future and for others who may have bad days post steroid infusions. But, it could also be for people who sometimes just seem to have a bad day . . .

The first week after treatment was a doozy. I didn’t just have a bad DAY, it was an entire bad WEEK.

In talking with my doctor about why I have these “days” she suspects it is the steroids that I get via IV just prior to the Rituxan infusion.

So, I am trying to get a handle on the cause/effect and formulate my own solution. And I will preface it all by saying I am not offering medical advice, and by no means am I an expert on the subject of cortisol/adrenals, but just letting you know what I did and how it worked for me in my situation.

First theory: I am getting a bolus of steroids that is shutting my adrenals down on Friday and lasting through the weekend. On Monday, my adrenals “wake up” and realize they need to start producing my own personal steroids again, which for some reason causes me great pain (starting in my adrenals/kidneys and then moving throughout my body).

So I consulted my very knowledgeable friend, Marie, on what kind of adrenal support I could take to moderate the drop from Sunday to Monday. Her suggestion: OTC 1% Hydrocortisone cream.

Now, this is the stuff that you use when you get an itchy rash. But it also happens to be the same stuff your adrenals make every day just to keep you balanced somewhere between stressed out and asleep. (Too little cortisone = asleep or fatigued, Too much cortisone = stressed out).

If you apply it to your skin, (preferably a thin skinned area, like your forearms) it is absorbed into your bloodstream and it functions just as the cortisone your adrenals make.

Theoretically, normal adrenals make 20 mg of cortisol a day. And 2 ml of 1% Hydrocortisone cream is 20 mg.

Second theory: If I started taking the cortisone cream prior to my crash on Monday, it would balance out my cortisol levels. My adrenals wouldn’t get an alarm signal to start producing cortisol from zero, and I would not have the bad day/days I have previously had.

I started by taking .5 ml (5 mg) of cream on Saturday night. I repeated the dose Sunday morning and Sunday evening (total 10 mg for the day), Monday morning/evening, and Tuesday morning/evening. I was going to taper off the dose to just the mornings on Wednesday and Thursday, but I was starting to get a chest cold and became concerned about that and just forgot.

The results: I did not have a bad day this week at all. There were a few hours on Monday night when I felt the adrenal pain (around my kidneys in my back) coming on, but it was close to bedtime and I felt confident if I took a pain pill and went to sleep it would not get any worse. I also was not exhausted and draggy all week (which is what usually happens after my bad day). I actually felt pretty “normal”.

You would think something so simple would be recommended for treatment. But I guess the makers of a $2 tube of cortisone cream have no incentive to get you to use their product like, say, the makers of the prescription pain pills I take, do.

I will say, too, that the cream is not to be used on a daily basis long term. It contains stuff that, when used long-term has been known to cause cancer. But when you have a short term period of stress or are feeling run-down, a little "pea-sized" dose of Hydrocortisone cream once or twice a day for a few days can't do any harm.

More Snow Pictures

2009-12-05T10:42:00.000-06:00

THE "M's" WITH THEIR SNOWMAN

SNOW FORT

SNOW BALL THROWING DEVILS

SNOW ANGEL

FRONT YARD

BACK YARD

Sedative from Heaven

2009-12-04T22:22:00.001-06:00

The long dreaded day arrived for me to have my first of four weekly preventative Rituxan treatments. All the kids were up early (for us) and around 7 a.m. it began to snow like crazy at our house. It was the most beautiful snow I have ever seen in Houston. Tons of it.

As most southern Texans do any time a flake of snow falls from the sky, we all went giddy. We went outside just to see what it was like. We couldn’t stop watching it fall. We took video. We took pictures.

Unfortunately, M1 and I had to leave our observation post and head out on the road to get him to school and then me on to chemo. I think we were both sulking all the way, thinking we were going to miss the whole thing being stuck inside all day at our respective locations.

But many amazing things happened that day.

It stopped snowing at our house for a while – so we didn’t miss anything there.

It hadn’t even STARTED snowing at my chemo location. And when it did, there was an entire wall of windows for me to watch it fall from. Later, my friend Marie and I had a fabulous Potbelly’s lunch while we watched the snow together.

M1 was dismissed early from school. By the time he got home there was more than enough snow to go around. He even got to play in the snow AT school during study hall.

When I got home, the kids had built me a snow person (not sure of the gender . . .) and everything around our house was blanketed in white.

We were able to spend the rest of the afternoon in the snow, then inside thawing out, then out in the snow, then inside for hot chocolate.

We even decked Missy out in her amazingly fashionable coat.

The only bust of the day was our attempt at “sledding” on Rubbermaid container lids.

God knew what I needed today. I needed something to calm and distract me. And he sent me a sedative in the form of snow.

It was the best “snow day” ever!

Yes!

2009-11-24T17:52:00.003-06:00

Here is our new baby, Missy. She is a toy Australian Shepherd, M3's Christmas present, the answer to our puppy prayers, and well worth the wait. (She is also my "fuzzy therapy" to help get me through chemo. When we are not house training, dealing with teething, socializing, etc. :) )

If you are looking for a dog like her, you can check out her breeder's website. I think all of her littermates are spoken for, but I am sure there will be more in the future!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-23T16:32:00.004-06:00

Our church began celebrating "A Season of Prayer" for the next seven weeks. Don and I were both asked to contribute a daily devotional.

The verses for my assigned day (yesterday) were: 1 Thess 5:16-18 and Psalm 103. The verse that stood out to me was:

Give thanks in all circumstance, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 5:18

And the first thing that came to my mind related to that verse was a day about seven years ago. I received a phone call from Hermann Hospital here in Houston. It is the primary trauma hospital for our entire region. They fly people there in helicopters. It was also close to my husband's office.

They told me Don had been in a car accident and that his ankle was broken . . . so far.

Now, I am an optimist, and so, I figured I was driving to the hospital, picking up my injured husband, and bringing him home. Got a call from Don's tennis partner, who said the weather was probably too bad for tennis that night. I jokingly told him tennis was definitely off and that hopefully Don was at Hermann because he had the accident close to the hospital and not because they had to fly him there in a helicopter.

Over the course of the hour long drive to the medical center, I went from thinking I would bring him home to what would I do if I had to identify his body? (When I was in nursing school doing my ER rotation, I overheard them calling a family member to come to the hospital when the patient had already died, but they only told them they were seriously ill.)

When I arrived at the ER, they couldn't find him on the patient register. I panicked, thinking he must be in the morgue. But then the volunteers at the desk realized he was "the John Doe that came in on Life Flight" (what a way to find out your husband was airlifted . . .) and that he was in X-ray.

They quickly took me to him. He was moved to an orthopedic room, awaiting surgery the next morning. Into the early hours of the morning, it was a blur of phone calls, anxious visits from friends and ministers, and coordinating our children's care at home.

And, when reading the above verse, this is what specifically came to mind about thanksgiving:

One drizzly October evening, seven years ago, I received a phone call from Hermann Hospital downtown. My first thought was that it must be someone from church calling. When the voice on the other end called me Mrs. Allen, I realized it was something very different. My husband had been in a car accident . . . he had a broken ankle . . . was I coming? I went from cooking dinner in my kitchen to the wife of a trauma patient in an instant.

That night, in Don’s hospital room, I lay on a cot next to his bed. My husband was bruised and bleeding, hooked to many tubes and beeping machines. He was scheduled for the first of what would end up being a total of seven surgeries in the morning. The road ahead would be long and difficult and painful. But right then, I was just thankful that he was alive and, at the moment, sleeping peacefully.

And my prayer matched his rhythmic, sedated breathing: “Thank you, thank you, thank you . . . “

God wants us to give thanks in every circumstance, whether good or bad.

What can you thank God for today in whatever circumstance you find yourself?

I hope that you have a blessed Thanksgiving, in whatever circumstance you find yourself.

You would never know . . .

2009-11-21T17:04:00.002-06:00

Recently, I was at one of M1's junior high basketball tournaments and enjoying watching the game. As I was watching the opposing team, I kept having the feeling that I knew some of the players. All the various places I could know those boys from ran through my mind: little league, homeschool groups, community organizations, etc. but I couldn't figure it out.

At half time, I was scanning the crowd for the rest of our cheering section and saw a familiar face. But it wasn't a face for our team, it was for the opposition.

In my former life (before children), I was a neonatal intensive care nurse. I took care of many babies, born at various stages of development. And every once in a while, I developed a special relationship with the parents/family of one of my patients.

And THIS familiar face was a mother of one of my former patients. One of the special people who I have been fortunate enough to keep up with for the past fourteen years.

And her son, one of the players on the opposing teams, was one of my last (and most favorite) patients I took care of in the NICU.

He was due a month before M1, but was born about four months premature (correct me if I am wrong, Chris). Eric (as I called him) was special to me partially because he was a living visual of what M1 was looking like in utero. But he was also special because of his parents and sister. They were just neat people. And over the course of his time in the unit, we spent a lot of time together.

One of the last days before Eric was discharged from the unit, he was my only patient. I spent a lot of time rocking him. He layed on my belly and kicked from the outside while M1 kicked from the inside. They must have been practicing their basketball moves even then . . .

Fast forward fourteen year, and here is Eric (at 6 ft.)and M1 (at 5'11")out on the basketball court battling it out. I was in awe and overwhelmed at BOTH of them.

You would never know that Eric had once been a micropreemie and the M1 had once fit in my belly!

How can you say no to this face?

2009-11-11T17:30:00.001-06:00

We have been talking for over a year about getting M3 a dog. She has done a lot of research and looked at several different breeds. But the timing (for many obvious reasons) had never been right.

So this weekend, we found out about a friend of a friend who was keeping a sweet Jack Russell/Chihuahua puppy looking for a home. When we saw "Sammy's" picture, we fell in love with him.

But in discussing him with Don, we decided he was not the right puppy for M3. It broke both of our hearts to have to tell her that we needed to keep looking and say "no" to Sammy.

I cried with her when I sent the email to my friend and her friend who had been looking for a home for Sammy. I am grateful that these two precious ladies were praying for us as we made our decision.

M3 seemed to be at peace when I assured her, that in respecting her Daddy's direction, in the end, the puppy she got would bring her so much more happiness (overshadowing the sadness she now felt).

And I am grateful for my husband who has to do the difficult thing sometimes and tell us "no". In the long run, I know it is the right decision.

Confession

2009-11-09T22:00:00.006-06:00

I have to admit, I really DON'T want to do chemo again.

(UPDATE: This is preventative chemo - I have to do it once a week for four weeks every six months for two years after my original chemo. June/December 2009 & June/December 2010)

There is something to be said for being blissfully ignorant, and I am not (ignorant) anymore about what is coming.

I am feeling really good. It is going to be the Christmas holidays and school holidays. I have a lot I would like to do and enjoy.

And what do I get to do? Go get pumped full of medicine that is going to make me feel sick and tired.

I actually had a king-sized meltdown in front of my husband. Like a two-year-old, I told him I hadn't made my appointments yet "because I don't want to . . ."

Thankfully, for both of us, the last time I had a meltdown was over a year ago and related to the cancer, as well.

So, I'm steeling myself to make the call (still haven't) and considering booking a padded room as well.

Reminiscing

2009-09-24T18:23:00.000-05:00

The month of September has found me reminiscing quite a bit.

All the talk around here in the news is about IKE hitting our area, and that definitely brings up a lot of memories from the period of my diagnosis.

Every few days, I find myself thinking, "What was happening a year ago today?"

Scans. Tests. Surgeries. More scans.

We are preparing to go out of town on vacation next week, and once again, I was wondering what anniversaries I would be celebrating then.

And then

I realized

that I could

take this picture

on the anniversary of my first day of chemo.

Pretty cool, huh?

Good news

2009-09-09T15:40:00.002-05:00

regarding my health.

Not only was my quarterly CT scan clear this week, but "there has also been interval improvement/near complete resolution of post-radiation inflammatory changes involving anterior lungs".

Basically, I am cancer free and now almost completely/completely free of any damage from the proton radiation!

There is supposed to be unavoidable burning and permanent damage done when you have radiation. Our thought was, by doing proton, that we would minimize such side effects. But it appears that God has seen fit to heal that completely as well.

I am so thankful!

(sorry this is only about two months late - hoping to catch up over Thanksgiving!)

Where's Daddy?

2009-08-21T21:49:00.002-05:00

We are lucky around here. Don works at home quite a bit. So it is actually odd NOT to see Daddy in his study during any given weekday.

Today, M4 came in from playing and asked from the entry:

"Where's Daddy?"

From the kitchen, I replied:

"He's in the study."

Only to hear M4, with concern:

"But I don't see his skin."

(His skin, and the rest of him, had evidently LEFT the study for a moment!)

A Dory Kind of Day

2009-08-20T23:44:00.004-05:00

If you have ever seen "Finding Nemo" you will understand. If not, you might just want to skip this.

I was getting ready for church a few Sundays ago, and having a leisurely, relaxed morning. I do this thing on the internet called "The Grocery Game" where they give you a chart (love charts) with items on sale at stores in your area that also have had coupons recently in the paper. The point of the game is to maximize your savings. Use coupons when items are on sale and stock up.

Anyway, so I was looking through this list of groceries, and it went something like this: "mayonnaise, bread, lunchmeat . . ."

OK, so picture Dory, at the end of the movie. Marlin has left to go off and mourn and here's Dory, lost and confused and forgetful again. Nemo swims up and she has no idea who he is, until she sees the word "Sydney" on the pipe in front of her. Then the entire movie flashes before her eyes and she REMEMBERS they have been looking for Nemo all along.

Back to my list, so I see these words, "mayonnaise, bread, lunchmeat . . .", and all of the sudden, I REMEMBER that I am supposed to make 70 finger sandwiches for baptism after church that morning. All the conversations and my plans I had laid out in my mind came flashing through my brain in an instant, JUST LIKE DORY!

So, of course, my leisurely morning turned into a little bit of a hectic one. Especially since I didn't even have any of the ingredients I needed for the sandwiches. Luckily, I didn't have to face any tuna nets. . .

But I laughed all the way to Walmart thinking about how much Dory and I have in common. Not just on that day, but a lot of days, lately.

I keep attributing it to the chemo, I don't THINK it runs in my family (where are they, anyway?)

And I was thankful that God used my online grocery list to give me a gentle reminder of what I needed to do that day.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming . . .

Thought for the Day

2009-08-06T13:50:00.004-05:00

Got this in an email today, not sure where it is from. But it is good:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says... “Oh no....she's awake!!”’

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

2/20/09

Scars

2009-07-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

I was told after my March PET scan that all that remains of my former tumor is "scar tissue". I have a "scar" in my chest.

Since then, I have thought a lot about scars.

I have two scars on my face from two different childhood accidents. Occasionally, someone will ask me what the one on my lip is from. I relay the story as I have been told it happened (I was only two at the time), but I really have no recollection of the event itself. I am sure the emotional trauma of the event falls more on my mom and dad. They were the ones who most likely had to hold me down and listen to me cry as they stitched me up at the hospital.

My husband has scars on his leg. Close to 30 of them from the external fixator device he had in place for nearly six months after a car accident crushed both bones in his lower right leg. And he is permanently disabled (only slightly - and some days you wouldn't even know) as it is impossible to completely restore function after such an injury.

During one of my pregnancies (probably my first, because I am SURE I didn't have time to read after M1 came along . . .) I read in a mommy magazine how stretch marks are "badges of honor". And, I suppose, stretch marks are "scars", too.

I am really grateful to whoever wrote that, because I took it to heart. And it kept me from obsessing (as we in this airbrushed age can so easily do) about something that I had little control over. Especially when carrying a baby that delivered at 9 lbs. 5 oz!

Sometimes a scar is emotional. Abuse. Trauma. Loss. They are invisible, but no less tangible for the bearer. Those I have accumulated in my own life I have found even more difficult to deal with, because there is nothing there for the passerby to note. I don't have a scar on my forehead because I lost a child. I didn't have a bumper sticker that read: "Please drive carefully around me. My husband has been seriously injured in a car accident, and if I am driving a little slow, it is only because I am terrified I will be in an accident and there will be no one to care for my children."

That is one of the reasons why I added the quote to the end of my emails: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." You just never know what people are going through.

I'm not saying people should have free reign to be rude or drive recklessly or just be disconnected in some way. Just that some times we don't SEE everything.

Add another scar to the list of those life has handed me.

The thing that struck me about scars is that you have to keep on LIVING to get one. If something kills you, it doesn't heal. A scar can only form, over time, after you have SURVIVED an event/accident/injury.

So I go back to what I had read about stretch marks. They are "badges of honor".

This, I believe, holds true for any scar, whether physical or emotional. They are "badges of honor" as well. Because it means you have survived. You have healed. Although you may never be the same or function the same. The scar serves as the reminder.

You can choose to dwell on the negative: the ugliness of it, the disability, the pain. Or you can choose to see it in the positive: I LIVED THROUGH IT! I have survived.

My husband doesn't enjoy having scars from his car accident. But he is glad he is alive to bear them. So am I. And they serve as a reminder of the things he learned over the months he recovered.

I definitely didn't ENJOY having cancer. But I am glad that I am alive to bear the scar.

(Thanks to my "Sassy Scrapper" friends for helping me finally get my thoughts together on this topic! Scrapbooking is therapeutic :) We missed you Robbie and Marie!)

Back in the Chemo Chair

2009-07-15T08:39:00.004-05:00

It is an odd experience to go back to chemo. Especially when you are well.

I spent the last four Fridays sitting in a chemo chair. Once again, hooked up to drugs which, I was assured, would have no side effects.

The reason I was there was to receive Rituxan, which is not exactly chemo, but preventative therapy. If you really want to know the wikipedia definition, it is:

"a chimeric monoclonal antibody against the [cancer] protein CD20, which is primarily found on the surface of B cells".

If there are any remaining cancer cells (of the CD20 variety) left floating around in my body, this is the seek-and-destroy missile out to get them.

But in order to get the Rituxan, which is highly allergenic, I had to get IV steroids and IV Benadryl which reduces or eliminates any allergic reaction. Therin lies the problem.

If you've ever taken Benadryl, take how it made you feel and multiply it by about 10 and that's what you feel like as soon as the Benadryl hits your veins. I was used to it (as used to it as you can get) when I was doing chemo in the fall. I had my "routine" all set. The neck pillow, reclining my chair just right, my MP3 player. Well, I didn't quite get it right the first week. I was out of practice. But weeks two, three and four, I got pretty good naps.

But every week was different as far as how I felt the rest of the day. No rhyme or reason there at all. One week I would feel rested, the next week I felt like I had been hit by a truck. So I would just have to lay on the couch until the steroids kicked in . . .

Steroids make me hyper. That is actually good. I am very productive when I am on steroids. I actually didn't know I was getting steroids the first week. But I figured it out pretty quickly when I spent Saturday and Sunday doing multiple home improvement projects and the entire week eating everything in sight.

The next week, as they hung my drugs, my suspicions were confirmed. "Yes, you are getting a steroid."

The problem with being hyper for two days is what comes next. The crash.

Those muscle (labor all over my body) pains I had with full-blown chemo came back (7 on a scale of 1 to 10 as opposed to the 15 I felt before . . .). At first, I thought I had just "over done" it, and my muscles were sore from the work. But, week after week, it came and went in the same way it did the week before. I'm not sure what causes it exactly, but it makes for a very uncomfortable 24 hours at least.

This past week, as I was breathing and grunting my way through the pain (even after taking pain medicine), I told Don to remind me, in December, when I was rethinking my decision to repeat the treatment (I do it once a week for four weeks, every six months for two years - so June, December 2009, and June, December 2010) that it was still better than going through chemo.

The whole reason for doing this preventative, is just that, to PREVENT my lymphoma from coming back. If it comes back, we start over again, or worse. It is by no means a guarantee, but it does greatly reduce the chances.

Apart from the side effects, another unexpected occurrance was how badly I felt that I was cured, when the people sitting on either side of me were still in the fight for their lives.

Mr. P would ask me, and everyone else around, "Are you afraid of dying?" I saw him two of the four weeks of my treatment. I'm actually not afraid of dying. And I told him so. But the deaths of several celebrities in recent weeks has really been hard on him. And I remember how differently it effected me when I watched others around me lose their battle to cancer when I was still fighting my own battle. I wished I could tell him that he would be cured. I wished God would speak to him and tell him that he would indeed be well. I pray that he will find his peace with God if he never does find the cure for his cancer.

And then there was the week that I sat next to M. I was in my "usual" chair and when I woke up from my Benadryl nap, there she was sitting next to me! M was the precious lady who sat next to me my very first week of chemo, when I was gung-ho and terrified all at the same time. She looked amazing for having been through at least six months of chemo already. Her hair was growing back in a beautiful grey and I told her she should be a model. She answered my many questions about my hair coming out as well as lots of other things I had on my mind.

But it was apparent, that now, the additional nine months of chemo has taken its toll. She looked weary. But she remains in good spirits. And I pray for her, that if the chemo can't kill the cancer completely, that it will keep it at bay for a very long time. So that she can see her children graduate from college. And see her grandchildren.

I hope to see them both again in December.

It was a much different view from my seat this time around. And I am very grateful.

Life Happens

2009-07-09T08:05:00.003-05:00

I used to wonder what happened to people whose blogs I followed diligently, and then they seemed to d i s a p p e a r.

There would be no post for weeks, and I would start to give up on them.

Now that life has returned to semi-normal, I feel like I am disappearing from the ranks of the blog-o-sphere as well. And I am learning what happens to those people, its called life.

I still think profound thoughts at times, but I am driving carpool or sitting by the pool or watching my daughter's swim meet, or occasionally swimming myself. I have made mental notes (scary!), and hopefully, I can share more of them with you in the days to come.

Summer is in full swing around here. And so is living. Gone are the days when I take THAT for granted.

I am sharing life with my family and I hope you are enjoying yours!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-06-09T23:17:00.007-05:00

Isn't this how every girl wants to spend her 40th birthday?

A movie:

Dinner:

And Go Kart racing:

It was Hawaiian night (how appropriate!) at our local fun plex. Wear Hawaiian attire and get a free round of mini golf. (That is why we all have leis trailing behind our necks . . .)

And guess which song was in my card from my wonderful husband, Don? (He's good, isn't he?) Those new cards that play songs are kind of popular in my family, so #2 is from Don also, #3 is from M1, #4 is from M2, and #5 is from M3. M4 gave me one of those crazy Hoops & Yoyo cards.

But mostly, I am just happy to be alive and enjoy another day!

For Carol

2009-06-08T22:51:00.001-05:00

My precious sister in Christ went to be with Jesus this afternoon.

All that I ever knew of Carol was that she wanted to love and be loved.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, she was already fighting her own battle with health and in need of a liver transplant.

She came up to me one Sunday morning and told me, "Molly, I have told God that he can take me in your place, but to let you be healed. You need to live for your family!"

And I remember thinking at the time, "Oh Carol, you needn't to go the trouble, because God has already told me that I would be healed!"

But in these recent days, as she has actually become ill to the point of death, and died in the presence of friends and family, it has caused me to revisit her statement so many months ago.

What if that was part of "the deal"? Was her willingness to give her own life part of the reason I was healed? And even if it wasn't, how wonderfully sacrificial a gesture that she was willing to make on my behalf!

Thank you Carol. For your love. For your prayers. And for desiring to show Christlike sacrifice through your life.

What a Day (or two . . .)!

2009-06-05T20:42:00.000-05:00

I flew out of Honolulu International Airport at 9 p.m. Hawaii time, which was 2 a.m. local time. Was in the air for about 8 hours. Slept for about 4 hours. Arrived at IAH at 9:45 a.m. local time.

From the airport, my sweet friend Marie W. took me to visit our dear sister in Christ, Carol, who was moved to hospice while I was out of town. It was precious to get to see her one more time.

We had lunch and then spent the better part of the afternoon at M.D. Anderson taking care of my three month tests. Bloodwork, Chest X-ray, (nap on the couch in the "hospitality" area) and CT scan. First time I've ever had an IV "blow". THAT was not fun. I used to say I enjoyed going to get tests done. How I love hospitals. But the novelty is starting to wear off . . .

I didn't get home until after 7 p.m. Thanks to my sweet friend, Marie H. the kids are fed and tired from swimming all afternoon.

And I am deleriously tired.

Goodbye, Hawaii

2009-06-04T08:35:00.002-05:00

Boy, is it ever hard to leave!

Cheeseburger in Paradise

2009-06-03T22:40:00.003-05:00

Where else can you get pineapple on your burger?

Dolphin Excursion

2009-06-02T16:00:00.004-05:00

Our pontoon boat took us out on the west coast of Hawaii to try to find Hawaiian Spinner Dolphins. Not only did we find them. Lots of them!

We got to swim with them, too!

I couldn't have done this last year . . .

2009-06-01T22:32:00.001-05:00

Besides the fact that I wasn't actually in Hawaii to do this, I could barely climb a flight of stairs (because I was sick and didn't know it) let alone climb a steep switchback trail followed by 200 steps to the top of Diamondhead crater. What a view!! (You can see our hotel in the distance on the beach to the left of the short, pink hotel.)

Here's Diamondhead from the 30th floor of our hotel, where we had dinner tonight:

That was a beautiful view, too!

And, speaking of views, I got a much better view of a sea turtle today:

at Hanauma Bay:

The view from where I sit

2009-05-31T18:49:00.006-05:00

What I am reading:
Ali and the Golden Eagle, by Wayne Grover (picked for me to read by M2)

God's Smuggler, by Brother Andrew (picked for me to read by M1)

The Yada Yada Prayer Group (Book 1), by Neta Jackson (picked for me to read by me)

Various scrapbooking magazines

What I am listening to:
Chris Rice: Living Room Sessions

The sound of the surf from my balcony

Ocean visitors

2009-05-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on our balcony this afternoon and saw something unusual in the water. Turns out there was a family of sea turtles grazing in the coral just off the beach of our hotel.

Very cool!

On the beach . . .

2009-05-29T18:40:00.000-05:00

in Hawaii, just my hubby and me!

Mother's Day Testimony

2009-05-24T23:53:00.004-05:00

One of the greatest priviledges that cancer has given me is the opportunity to share with others the GOOD that God has brought through my cancer.

I was asked to share my testimony on Mother's Day during the worship service. And I wanted to share it with all of you, too:

"Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written" (John 21:25, NIV).

That’s kind of how I felt when faced with the task of sharing my testimony today. And so I will preface it by saying: Jesus did many other things as well. If I tried to share them all in a testimony there wouldn’t be enough Sundays or if I tried to write them in my blog there wouldn’t be enough memory.

And so today, I will share a small portion of my testimony, from my heart as a mother.

I always loved taking care of children. As a girl, I loved to play with dolls. In Junior High and High School, I babysat other people’s children in their homes or in the church nursery. And as I worked my way through college and into early married life, I was taking care of babies in the hospital.

People always told me I would be a good mother. And, of course, I believed it, until I actually HAD children. Being caretaker 24/7 involves a lot more than just being babysitter or nurse.

I am grateful to my husband, Don, for allowing me to be a full time mother. He works very hard to give me the privilege to care for and teach our children.

When my oldest two sons were still very young, I can remember my prayer as a mother becoming, “Lord, please fill in where I fall short! And help them to forget all my mistakes.”

I prayed this prayer often. And I believe that God has honored that prayer in many ways. One of them is by having my parents, who live close by, be willing and available to help with the children. Their home has always been a fun place for the children to be and their relationship with their grandchildren has provided an extension of the security they have in their lives beyond Mom and Dad.

One specific example I remember of God “filling in” for me was three summers ago. We were planning on joining Don in Galveston, for his business’ annual planning retreat/family getaway. It was a trip we always looked forward to making every summer. Sort of an extra mini-vacation.

The kids had been passing around a stomach virus. And they expressed concern that we might not be able to make the trip. They each prayed over the course of two or three days leading up to our planned departure date that everyone would be well and we would be able to go on the trip.

Unfortunately, the morning we were to leave, one of the kids was still sick. The oldest kids found out that we would not be able to go after I picked them up from school and we were driving home. They may have said out loud, but I know they were at least thinking, “But we prayed . . .”

God gave me the words to speak reassurance to my precious, disappointed children. “God always hears your prayers. And He always answers you. But sometimes the answer is ‘No’. And we have to trust that when He tells us “no” that it is for our own good. For our protection.”

We went on to talk about the things that God might have protected us from: a car accident, getting hurt on the beach, being sick in the hotel, etc.

It reminded me of the line in the Amy Grant song “Angels” that I would often ponder as a teenager: God only knows the times my life was threatened just today. A reckless car ran out of gas before it ran my way.

There is no way we can ever understand what goes on behind the scenes with God in our lives.

As I have looked back on that day, I am amazed at how God’s words have echoed over and over in my ears in the days that were to come.

About a year and a half after that disappointing day, I was newly pregnant with our fifth child, Michael. At the Trinity Women’s Retreat, God gave me a verse for our son, Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Originally, I focused on the part of the verse that talked about God’s delight, and rejoicing over our precious unborn baby with singing. We were delighted and rejoicing ourselves, looking forward to his addition to our family, so it seemed only appropriate that God would be, too.

But four weeks later, we were told that our son was going to die, and the verse took on an entirely different meaning. Of course, we prayed that he would live. That God would heal him. We prayed that the God who is “mighty to save” would save him.

And four weeks later, at my weekly doctor’s appointment, we learned that his heart had stopped beating. We had to say goodbye. We had to bury our child.

But in the midst of that grief, I could hear God saying, “I heard your prayers. My answer to you was, ‘no’, he will not live on earth. But you have all been saved. You can trust Me that it is true.”

I understand some of what we were possibly saved from: many more weeks of dreading the absence of a heartbeat at my doctor’s appointments, making difficult decisions regarding his care, having to watch him suffer and face health problems after birth.

And I was able to remind my children, that God hears, that He answers and that sometimes the answer is “no” and that when He says “no” it is always what is best for us.

But, I am sure, there is much more, that God saved us from “behind the scenes” that we will never know or fully comprehend until we reach heaven.

Having experienced God’s presence and love in life’s little disappointments has made facing bigger disappointments and trusting Him through them so much easier.

I recently read The Shack, by William Young. It is an intense book. The main character faces terrible tragedy. As I finished the book, and reflected on what the writer was trying to get across to the reader, I reached a powerful conclusion: God wants to meet us at in the midst of our deepest despair. He knows what we are going through, each, individual one of us. He WANTS to relieve us of some, if not all, of the burden of deep human emotion when we go through hard times. But we have to choose to meet HIM. He gives us the invitation and we have to accept. We have to look for Him in the tragedy. And by finding Him, the tragedy will not go away, but we will triumph through it.

That is how I faced my most recent crisis in life, my cancer. Though there were many things I was not looking forward to as I went through chemotherapy and radiation, the experience of past tragedies did give me something to look forward to – an intensely close time with God.

Once I heard or read that God doesn’t necessarily want us to be happy, He wants us to be holy.

The truth is, that it is in the times that we struggle, despair or suffer that we are drawn close to Him. It is in our times of unhappiness with the things of this world that we can focus our attention on the Holy One.

God relieved my so many of the burdens I could have carried over the course of those six months. Mostly, it was through the prayers and service of you, my church family, as well as countless others. God filled in for me, through you, as you fed, cared for, encouraged and loved me and my family. You bore my burdens, to the point that I was left with nothing but peace. I could look for God, find Him and rest knowing that He was with me every step of the way.

I was thankful, because my children could sense the peace I had about the future and be at peace as well. And as I reflected back on Zephaniah 3:17, I felt God’s assurance that this time He would indeed save me. That I would live.

As we faced diagnosis of my illness and at the same time we faced Hurricane Ike, I began to blog. This was helpful not only to me, but frequently to my family and others, to see “where I was at” and how God was speaking to me. It is a written record of God’s work and faithfulness in my life through that particularly hard time.

So, here I am today, cancer free and saved in so many ways. I am happy to tell you that God hears your prayers. That He answers. And this time, He said, “Yes”.

Not Me! Monday

2009-05-11T07:10:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT almost burst into tears driving carpool when M1 told me that I had received a standing ovation from his history class for completing radiation. (They take prayer requests at the beginning of class each day.)

I was NOT extremely proud of my multi-tasking ability when I, having only a towel wrapped around my torso (for my CT scan), managed to KEEP the towel wrapped around my torso while ALSO keeping the CT table (which was supposed to be fastened down) from crashing to the floor as it tilted precariously under me. (Luckily, help arrived quickly!)

I was NOT confused by the clear view out of my van windows after wiping them all down with window cleaner. I did NOT think that something was actually wrong with my windows. It could NOT have been so long since the last time I cleaned them that I could have become accustomed to the obscured view through a thick build up of film and fingerprints.

I have NOT allowed my four-year-old to believe that he can place a stick in the oven and it will magically turn into some edible food product, like pancakes or corn dogs. How would he ever learn to feed himself someday, thinking all he has to do is put a stick in the oven?!?

I DID NOT interrupt the unusual ritual of applying makeup to unlock the gate for the mowers and then forget to finish, thus walking around all day with mascara on only one eye.

I COULD NOT have forgotten to give out party favors to ALL the attendees of M2's birthday party. After all, I had nothing else on my mind, but how I had spent an hour and a half before and during the party trying to get our Clearplay DVD player to work, which contained the movie that the entire party was planned around. And when unsuccessful at getting the movie extracted from said DVD player, I DID NOT call in a back up Clearplay DVD player and another copy of the captive movie, only to have that player decide between its home and our home that it was NOT (really) going to work either. And then I DID NOT drag the travel DVD player in to play an alternate movie in its (almost) entirety before THAT DVD player decided to die as well.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T07:22:00.007-05:00

Thank you, Mom, for being the best mother I could ever have hoped for!

Not only did you raise me to into young adulthood, but you continue to love and care for me. I am so glad you only live a few minutes away!

And this year, there were some definite firsts: you drove me to every single one of my chemotherapy appointments and you helped me shave the stubble off my head as the chemo took its toll.

Thank you for being there with me, for making me comfortable, and loving me like only a mother can.

I love you!

Thank you, Geraldine, for being my "other" mother - my mother-in-law.

Thank you for bringing Don into this world and raising him to be the man who became my husband.

This year, when you couldn't be here to help, you prayed and rallyed many others to pray for me. A tangible, and comforting, act of love.

I love you!

Please join me in praying today . . .

2009-04-21T01:40:00.003-05:00

When life melts your chocolate bunnies . . .

2009-04-18T13:46:00.004-05:00

They should put warning labels on chocolate Easter bunnies: "Do NOT leave unattended in a car for any length of time, especially in the southern states." It does not take much heat to turn a cute and very appetizing chocolate bunny into a disgusting looking blob.

Why do I write this, you might ask? Because, of course, it happened to us this year.

My brother and sister-in-law came down for Easter. We were consolidating our efforts to bring much Easter weekend happiness to all six of our combined children.

Over the course of the weekend, all six of the kids' bunnies were inadvertantly left in a vehicle, where they made their hideous transformation.

Because looking at them was downright appalling, it was suggested that they just be thrown away.

But my ever resourceful mother suggested saving the chocolate for melting down later, stuck the blobs in a plastic bag, and tossed them in her freezer.

Jump to Wednesday this week, when my precious friend, Kim, shows up on my front doorstep with four pounds of the BIGGEST strawberries known to mankind. They are actually called GIANT on the label.

As soon as I looked at them, I said, "These would make great chocolate covered strawberries!"

And, as soon as Kim left, I called my mom and asked for some chocolate.

They were, by far, the best tasting chocolate covered strawberries we had ever made!

The next day, I went to the store and bought all the left-over chocolate bunnies I could find, too!

Looking for Julie

2009-04-11T09:48:00.003-05:00

Once you go through something difficult in life, you become unwittingly a member of "the club". Whether it is being laid off from your job, having an external fixation device (like my husband did on his crushed leg), losing a child, having cancer, or facing any other crisis that life may throw your way. It is not something you choose, it chooses you.

But, once you become part of "the club" you have a choice of what to do with your experience. You can let it consume you, you can master it, you can help support others through similar circumstances.

After surviving my experience with cancer, I feel it is a priviledge to be there as a support and encouragement for others just beginning their journey into its unknowns.

While there are many similarities shared between cancer patients' experiences, because of the varied nature of cancer, treatment, life circumstances, and responses, there are obviously many differences.

So, Julie, if you read this, would you please use the link on the left sidebar of my blog and email me? I am trying to find you! Short of camping-out at Target (where we met) I can't figure out another way. There is no way to respond to your comment here on my blog.

I have just learned about a friend-of-a-friend who is in a similar life situation to yours and been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. If you would be willing, I would love to pass your email address on to this person.

Thanks,

My First Haircut

2009-04-09T23:09:00.003-05:00

I called my friend Linda this morning and was able to swing by her house to clean up my untamed (and untouched by scissors) mane (It is all of 1 1/4 inches long now, you know!).

I was thinking ahead to Easter pictures, and how nice it would be to look properly groomed for posterity.

In an effort to save you all from straining your eyes to actually see a difference, I have refrained from posting pictures (Linda says all she trimmed was a little fuzz). But while it may not be that obvious, it feels great to me!

I'm still here

2009-04-07T08:17:00.004-05:00

My apologies to those of you who check up on me regularly.

I am still here, and doing GREAT! Cancer-free is a good place to be.

What has surprised me, though, is that, despite the fact I am "well" I am more tired now than ever.

In the mornings, I drag myself out of bed just in time to get the kids going. At night, I often pass out in one of the kids' beds saying goodnight. A child who has yet to be "good-nighted" will come wake me up, and I will move to their bed to sleep. Sometimes I make it to my bed, sometimes I don't.

Being well is exhausting!

Both my regular oncologist and radiation oncologist have assured me that it will take a good six months (from the end of radiation) to get my stamina back.

SOOO, by August (wow that's a long way away . . .) I should be feeling back to my normal self. That means a lot of things just have to go undone. And lately, that has meant my blog and emails, too.

Usually, for me, spring means projects, big projects. Last year, I (with help from my parents, Don, and the kids) built a fort in the backyard for the kids. (Have I ever mentioned my love of power tools . . .?) But this year, the projects will be small. I bought supplies for my "project" yesterday. And I think, with some help from the M's, we can get it done this week. (I will post pictures when we are done!)

And our 200 square foot garden needs some major tending. God has seen fit to give us some "time" to take care of that in a few weeks. They will be doing testing at the kids' school and none of mine fit the grade/class qualifications, so we have four days off with no homework! I just hope my 30 min to 1 hour of energy a day is enough to tackle that job.

In the meantime, I am enjoying doing the mundane. Yes, I was cleaning my bathroom yesterday, and I was thinking to myself what a blessing it was that I was able to do that. Can you believe it?!?

Cancer has definitely given me a new appreciation for many things, like doing housework, eating (and being able to taste what you put in your mouth), and having hair.

To My Third born

2009-04-05T09:32:00.001-05:00

Today is your eighth birthday, my third born daughter.

How blessed I am to have another girl around in our house full of boys! And how much more amazing that in this house full of boys, you truly are a girly-girl!

You constantly remind me that there are difference between you and your brothers. And hopefully, they are learning from you as you all grow up together what girls like and don't like.

You are my angel on earth. It never ceases to amaze me how any of us can be less than loving to you but in response you rarely ever do anything but love us back.

You take joy in finding ways to do things for others. Often making sacrifices on your own part. Whether it is a toy or a donut or your time or effort, you are always willing to give.

The way you care for your little brother reminds me of me when I was little. You are so nurturing, sometimes even when he doesn't want you to be. I always know he is in good hands when you are around. And it doesn't do him any harm to have two mommys!

You are special!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Michael/Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T22:34:00.004-05:00

I've always had fun celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Making green eggs, or green milk, or whatever food that isn't green that can be made green. Another excuse to make what would otherwise be an ordinary day, extraordinary.

And I like to wear green. I am a "fall" and so green is one of my "colors".

Two years ago, St. Patrick's Day took on a new, special meaning for me and my family.

We said "hello" and "goodbye" to our fifth child, a son, Michael Daniel.

He has a story all his own, that I hope to eventually add to this blog.

But for now, I wanted to share what a birthday looks like (at least for our family) after losing a child:

Each of the kids released a green balloon and we watched them float "up to heaven". The fog from this morning was clearing and we saw them go into the clouds and then a minute later, they came out the top. It was amazing!

Happy Birthday, Michael!

Love,
Mommy

Facts and Figures

2009-03-07T09:09:00.001-06:00

I wanted to sort of summarize my disease and treatment for those who might be interested (these are the kinds of things I wanted to know about others' experiences when I was starting treatment):

My cancer: Primary Mediastinal Large B-Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma
Diagnosed: September 22,2008 (biopsy)
My Chemo: CHOP-R 14 (C=Cyclophosphamide (or Cytoxan)), H=Doxorubicin, O=Vincristine (or Oncovin), P=Prednisolone, and R=Rituxin) every two weeks.
Started: October 1, 2008
Hair Started falling out: October 21 (three weeks after first chemo)
Last Chemo: December 9, 2008
Total number of rounds: Six
Antinausea cocktail: Lorazepam, Compazine, and Kytril for three days post-chemo
White blood cell booster: Neulasta (blood levels never dropped)
Eyebrows and Lashes started falling out: December 2 (nine weeks after first chemo)
Eyebrows and Lashes completely gone: January 14, 2009 (started growing back immediately, and almost completely grown in in three weeks)
Hair Started growing back: January 14, 2009 (five weeks after last chemo)
Rate of hair growth: 1/2 inch a month
Radiation treatments: Proton Therapy
Number of radiation treatments: 20
Started radiation: January 5, 2009
Finished radiation: January 30, 2009
Favorite head covering/hat site: www.headcovers.com

Drumroll, please

2009-03-05T08:23:00.003-06:00

My PET scan was done on Tuesday. I was very proud of myself for navigating through the bowels of the Houston Medical Center and making it to my appointed destination. Up to that point, I had managed to steer clear of the medical center entirely during my treatment/radiation.

The last time I had reason to go down there was the two week span when Don was in and out of Hermann Hospital after being life-flighted there following his major car accident.

It was an adventure, bringing back lots of good memories from nursing school. Carpooling with my classmates. Just being in the buildings, thinking, "I'm going to be a nurse, someday . . ." I really love hospitals. God just made me that way.

The bonus? I got to meet my sorority sister, Lori, for lunch down there. It was really great to catch up with an old friend.

Wednesday, Don and I went back to the Proton Center to see my doctor and get the PET report. We weren't expecting any significantly good news, because I was under the impression there would still be some "activity" from the radiation and therefore no way to know for sure that the cancer was gone. Plus, in the last few days I had been feeling some things that caused me to actually prepare myself for bad news.

The report showed that there was ABSOLUTELY NO CANCER left in my chest.

I don't think it has really sunk in yet. It was supposed to be April before we could know that for sure (I thought). But I have officially earned the title "Cancer-free".

Praise God!

An Advocate for Life

2009-02-25T12:19:00.003-06:00

Since the time I began this blog and posted the picture of our sweet Michael's (M5) hand on my mother's finger we have had several requests to use that picture in emails and on facebook. They use it to show others the perfection of a child, who many would have simply called a "blob of tissue". They use it as an argument to sway others to see the value of the life of one so small.

God has encouraged me to see our precious son's life continues to have a purpose, long after he has left us on this earth.

It is in his honor and in honor of all lost babies who are grieved, whether by choice or circumstance, that I share the following email with you. And if you agree, I would ask that you find a red envelope and participate this weekend:

Dear Friends ,

This afternoon I was praying about a number of things, and my mind began to wander. I was deeply distressed at the symbolic actions that President Obama took as he began his presidency. Namely, that he signed executive orders releasing funds to pay for abortions, permission to fund human stem cell research, and federal funding for contraception. I have been involved in the pro-life movement for nearly 20 years, and it pained my heart to see a man and a political party committed to the shedding of innocent blood. This man, and this party lead our country, but they do not represent me or the 54% of Americans who believe that abortion is wrong and should no longer be legal.

As I was praying, I believe that God gave me an interesting idea. Out in the garage I have a box of red envelopes.

Like the powerful image of the red LIFE tape, an empty red envelope will send a message to Barack Obama that there is moral outrage in this country over this issue.

It will be quiet, but clear.

Here is what I would like you to do:

Get a red envelope. You can buy them at Kinkos, or at party supply stores. On the front, address it to

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington , D.C. 20500

On the back, or on a note inside, write the following message:

This envelope represents one child who died in abortion.

It is empty because that life was unable to offer anything to the world.

Responsibility begins with conception.

Put it in the mail, and send it. Then forward this email to every one of your friends who you think would send one too.

I wish we could send 50 million red envelopes, one for every child who died before having a a chance to live.

Maybe it will change the heart of the president.

We should all try to mail them on the same day so they arrive within a day or two of each other and be even more of a visual at the White House.

With Valentines Day coming up, red envelopes should be easy to come by too.

Say we all mail them on the weekend of Feb 28-March 1st.

That gives us almost month to pass the word as far and wide as we can.

Of course, you can send a red envelope anytime you want, but getting lots at once is great too.

So pass the word!

Monique Baysinger

And all your children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children. Isaiah 54:13

LIFE means so much!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T15:41:00.005-06:00

We started the day with a fun breakfast. We don't often get to eat breakfast as a family. And Valentine's breakfast has been a tradition for a few years:

Then my parents and my Aunt Judy kept the M's so Don and I could go out to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. (YUM!!):

Valentine's Day is definitely one of my FAVORITE holidays. I love red, hearts and telling people I love just how much I love them!

Eighteen years ago this past week (February 11, 1991) Don proposed to me with a sweet Sheltie puppy we named "Sandy".

Two years ago on Valentine's Day we announced we were expecting our fifth child:

Last year I was still grieving the loss of our sweet Michael.

But this year, oh, this year, I am grateful for LIFE and HEALING and LOVE!

Please Pray for Kristi's Family

2009-02-13T21:47:00.004-06:00

Kristi went to be with Jesus this morning. Please continue to pray for her husband, Chuck and their three sons, Cade (4 1/2), Mason (2), and Zane (born October 17, 2008) and the rest of their family.

I cannot begin to imagine the grief they are feeling right now.

Thanks,

Calling all Prayer Warriors

2009-02-12T16:55:00.003-06:00

If I could, I would like to ask you to pray for someone I have found through "blog-hopping". If you visit any of the blogs on my sidebar, you may have, by chance, found her, too.

Her name is Kristi Walker. She is a young mother in North Carolina. Within days of giving birth to her third child, she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer with metastases to the liver, spine and pelvis.

I subscribe to their updates, and today she is in grave condition.

If you go to this link you can read about her and her family. You will have to create an account at carepages, but they will only send you updates on Kristi if you want them (and not advertisement, etc.).

Today, they ask specifically that we pray for the antibiotics to fight a particularly menacing infection, that she be relieved of pain, and that her platelet count would come up so that she could receive her next round of chemotherapy, which is due to be given tomorrow.

Your prayers have been such a blessing to me. I know they would be to this family, as well.

Thanks,

WOW

2009-02-06T22:40:00.000-06:00

I sat in the quiet of my car for the first time this week. This wonderfully, busy, noisy, hectic week.

It had become commonplace for the last month. My daily commutes to the proton center afforded me at least an hour and a half of car time.

Being in the car by myself is very relaxing to me. Most of the time, I listen to music. And lately, I have rediscovered listening to the local Christian radio station.

Normally, we listen to Christian CDs in the car. By listen, though, I mean it is simply background noise to the louder noise being made by any number of children in my car. We know what the music is saying, because at one time or another we have actually heard it in its entirety.

But, tonight, I could hear the music playing on the radio as M3 was on the softball field and M4 was asleep in my lap in the driver's seat (I was parked in the parking lot).

A "new" song by Mercy Me called "Finally Home" came on the radio.

You know how music has a way of triggering memories? It brought back a great memory for me - the first time I heard the song.

It was last summer at the YMCA of the Rockies. We managed to squeeze a few day's stay there on our way home from Steamboat Springs. When we arrived, we discovered that it was Gospel Music Association week on campus. There were Christian musicians, worship leaders, etc. everywhere! And they had a concert every night!

Although I would have liked to have gone to them all, I restrained myself and picked one - Mercy Me. There was another group and singer who performed "warm-up" that night, too. The first group was pretty hard rock. I can remember the music reverberating in my chest. I had this "allergy" thing going at the time. I didn't really know how sick I was yet.

And Mercy Me sang "Finally Home".

Hearing it tonight made me think of the me I used to be. The me that was blissfully unaware of what cancer would do to me in the coming months.

All of the sudden, tonight, I realized that I am on the other side.

And I wondered, "How did I make it here?"

It was as if it was all a dream and I had just awakened.

But it did all really happen. Six months of my life has passed since that night. I have suffered serious illness. I have been ministered to, prayed for, touched, fed and cared for.

I made it here because my husband said, "We are going to beat this thing."

I made it here because people that know and love me and strangers have prayed.

I made it here because people have encouraged me in spoken and written word.

I made it here because God promised me I would.

WOW!

G-Hog Day

2009-02-02T11:48:00.005-06:00

Welcome to one of your more obscure American holidays!

I'm not sure how we as a family started celebrating it exactly. It must have had something to do with my former days as a mother of small children who was always looking for something fun to do to fill our endless days together.

One January, I stumbled upon the Groundhog Day cupcake idea. And it has stuck. My children have come to expect it. Even M1, who is now 13, did not want to miss out on the decorating fun while he was out at a Super Bowl party last night. (We saved some for him!)

I wish I could give credit to wherever we got the idea from, but here they are, in all their cuteness:

All you need is some cupcakes (I use chocolate - for the dirt :) ), some white icing (for the snow), sprinkles (we used flower sprinkles this year), Nutter Butter cookies (for the groundhog) and decorative icing (to make the eyes and nose of each groundhog) and you've got yourself some groundhog cupcakes!

It feels really normal to have made them. I can't even tell you how wonderful that is!

And, tonight, Don and I will most likely watch Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, our other Groundhog Day tradition.

By the way, the groundhog saw his shadow today - six more weeks of winter.

Where we live, most of the winter has felt like spring anyway, so that won't be all that bad!

WOO-HOO

2009-01-30T22:15:00.002-06:00

I am DONE!

We had a celebration at the Proton Center today. It is sort of traditional that you bring food on your last day. And, thanks to much help from my mom, we brought trays of food to celebrate with the staff and other patients. Don, my parents and all the Ms were there to be a part of the festivities, too.

Laying on the table for the last time was EXTREMELY difficult. It is really important that I hold still so the protons hit the right spot, but I was so excited I could hardly contain myself!

I think I was more excited today than when I graduated from high school or college!

And then there was the GONG:

So, for now, I am done. I haven't figured out if I am a "survivor" yet or if I am in remission or what I call myself exactly.

It will be months before we know, for sure, that all the chemo and radiation did its job. (Although I believe it has.) I will have a PET scan on March 3 and another one some time at the end of April. Those scans will give us definitive proof that the cancer is gone. And then I still have my "maintenance" doses of Rituxin in June and December (once a week for four weeks) for the next two years.

Keep checking in on me. I will keep you posted on my recovery and other things, big and small.

Anticipation

2009-01-25T14:43:00.007-06:00

The end is near. This Friday will be the last day of my radiation treatments!

It is very exciting to think that my daily trips to the Medical Center will be over.

At the same time, however, there is some fear and trepidation.

I have had doctors and nurses watching over me regularly for the last five months. And now I will be "on my own", only seeing them quarterly.

I have had friends and family bringing us meals, checking on me and in general taking care of me for the last five months as well. They are not going any where, but it is time for me to start taking care of myself and my family.

God brought an analogy to mind this morning: You know Wesley (the Dread Pirate Roberts) in the movie The Princess Bride? (You can skip the analogy if you haven't seen the movie, or you can read on and go get the movie to figure out what in the world I'm talking about!) He is sent to the torture chamber ("The Pit of Despair")and had all the "life energy" sucked out of him. When his friends find him, they think he is dead. But these friends kind of need him to be alive in order to come up with a plan to defeat the bad prince. So they take him to Miracle Max hoping for a miracle. Turns out he is not "completely" dead, only "mostly" dead and, indeed, a miracle might just work. Once the "miracle pill" is administered, only Wesley's mind works. He is completely paralyzed. They have to carry him around or push him in a wheelbarrow. Gradually, he gains strength and function as they storm the castle and face the prince.

So, how does this story fit me, you might ask? And you might also wonder why God would choose to use a Rob Reiner film as an example, but I digress. . .

Well, I've kind of been like Wesley. I feel like I've had the life sucked out of me, literally, by chemo. It is basically poison, after all. My friends and family have been pushing me around in a wheelbarrow and carrying me on their backs to get me where I need to go. The "miracle pill" of prayer has been administered and I am gradually being restored to health.

And now it's time to get out of the wheelbarrow. Time for me to sword fight and save the princess and ride off into the sunset. Or, just make dinner and teach M4 his alphabet and do laundry and get kids to and from practices, etc.

Scary stuff, I know.

I cannot thank those of you who have "pushed the wheelbarrow" enough for all you have done. I/We would never have made it without you!! Thank you for all the meals, all the rides, for helping me deal with my housework and my laundry.

And to those of you who "administered" the miracle pill of prayer. Please don't stop yet! Pray that my mind will catch up to my body's ability to function. It is still difficult for me to think deeply or multi-task. And please continue to pray for me and my family as we go through what I like to call "re-entry". As we re-learn how to get along and function as a family with a routine.

Thank you!! Thank you!!

CT scan report

2009-01-22T08:05:00.002-06:00

I heard from the doctor on Tuesday (Monday was a holiday . . .) that according to the scan I had on Friday the tumor has decreased slightly in size. It is not enough to change the treatment plan and reduce the area being radiated.

So, we continue with the same plan. Seven more to go!

Halfway Mark

2009-01-17T17:47:00.005-06:00

Yesterday marked the halfway point of my radiation treatments. Only 10 more to go!

It is going by so fast! But it is a relatively short treatment period.

I am very thankful that my cancer is not only extremely responsive to chemo (which is why I only needed six rounds of chemo) but also extremely responsive to radiation (which is why I need "low dose" radiation that translates out to be a short duration of treatments).

So far, the only side effect I am noticing (besides the large number of miles we are putting on our vehicles for the daily trek to the med center!) is a mild cough. So mild that I only cough three or four times a day.

And hopefully, having the weekend for my lungs to recover a little will make the cough go away, at least for a few days.

I had a CT scan yesterday to look at the tumor/scar tissue/whatever that is remaining in my chest. We will find out Monday if there has been any change. If it is significantly smaller they will redo my radiation plan and reduce the area that is radiated. Wouldn't that be great?!?

My Imaginary Friends

2009-01-15T21:42:00.003-06:00

Actually, I have lots of REAL friends. And family.

But they can't all come with me to the hospital or chemo or proton therapy treatments.

I do have jewelry that I LOVE that has been given to me by my friends and family. The sisterhood ring (from James Avery) my "Sweetarts" gave me just after I started chemo. My funky mother's bracelet that has all the M's names on it. My wedding ring (from my wonderful husband, of course!). Earrings from my parents and brother and sister-in-law. Rings from my parents-in-law. The "trust in the Lord" cross charm (also James Avery) and "faith" bracelet from my friend Danza. A precious "faith" charm from Teresa.

It is a daily ritual of sorts to select my jewelry for the day. And when I wear the jewelry a certain person (or people) have given me, I imagine they are with me. And in spirit and in prayer, I know they really are.

I am in denial . . .

2009-01-14T23:21:00.000-06:00

I am one of those people that could listen to Christmas music all year long. My Christmas trees (we have five . . .)are still up in the house. And I still have a few Christmas cards left to send. SIGH!

But I figured it was time to "take down" the Christmas music and background on my blog. So sad!

If you are one of those people (like me!) who could listen to Christmas music in January (and February and March . . .) and miss my Christmas music player, you can always visit it here.

To My Second Born

2009-01-12T15:59:00.001-06:00

Today is your eleventh birthday, my second born son.

When you were born, I thought I was the perfect parent, that I had it all figured out. How you challenge that every day!

You live every minute and emotion of life to the fullest. There is nothing half-way about you.

When you are happy, everyone around you is too. What an ability you have to make others smile and laugh. "Life of the Party" is a term made for you! Just tonight, as we celebrated your birthday around the table, you had us all laughing as you and your brother bantered back and forth regarding the story of "Squeaky the Rat".

When you are angry, everyone knows it. They can hear it, see it, and (sometimes) feel it. There is nothing subtle about it. No brooding. It is out there for anyone to see.

Your love is deep and strong. Despite the fact that I make you do math, practice piano, do chores, and all those other things you would rather put aside for something "fun" I know without a doubt that you love me and the rest of our family deeply. I can feel it when you take my arm and put it around your shoulder when we are at church. It is there when you insist on me coming to your room to say goodnight. And I love to see your love for your siblings when you play together or you are concerned when one of them is hurt.

I know you love Jesus. I believe He has had your heart for some time, but you made your public profession of faith to Him this year.

No one can argue like you. You don't let me get away with anything. You hold me accountable for everything! And becuase of it, you make me (hopefully) a better mother.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Random Picture Challenge

2009-01-10T12:27:00.004-06:00

In cooperation with 4 Men and Girly Twins, here is the random picture challenge!

I went to my June picture folder and the 21st picture(supposed to do May, but it had the entire girls'softball team on it and I didn't want to have to get permission . . .)

What a great memory! M3 and I went on a Mother/Daughter overnighter - just the two of us. I surprised her one Friday afternoon when all the boys were "out" and told her she got to pick what we did for the rest of the day and tomorrow, too!

It was a little overwhelming for her at first. She's not used to getting to make many, if any, decisions without sibling ~~interference~~ assistance.

We went to dinner (her choice of places) and to a movie (her choice). Then we checked in at the hotel, where they knew we were having a special Mother/Daughter sleepover. At the registration desk they gave her a kid's bag and (best of all!) a bag of fish food for the koi that live in the atrium pond.

The next morning we went down for brunch. I sat and ate while M3 spent her breakfast time feeding/naming/talking to/drawing the fish.

Ahh, life before cancer . . .

Hilar-ious

2009-01-08T14:28:00.003-06:00

I was reading my friend, Darla's, blog post about "four children" the other day (see the blog "I Get To" on my left sidebar) and had to leave a comment. If you have ever left a comment on a blog or bought tickets online, etc. you have to "enter the word as you see it above" in order to prove that you are a real person instead of an automated system or something.

So, I typed my comment and looked at the "word" I am supposed to enter to have it approved for submission. The word was "hilar". I almost fell off my chair.

This word may not mean a lot to you. And it didn't mean much to me until August 23, 2008 when my family practice doctor called my to give me the results of my chest xray from the day before.

"Mass in the right hilar region". Words that have changed my life as I know it.

So I made a post-script comment on my comment to Darla's blog stating the fact that I had to type in hilar and how odd was that being that it was the location of my tumor.

Later, I got a response from Professor Darla (she really is, by the way) that was astounding:

What I also think is interesting is that what is one of the biggest obstacles you've ever faced - the tumor - is the Latin root word hilar which means "a little thing" or "trifle" and of course the root of our word hilar-ious. So, all that to say, I know it's not funny, I know it's very, very serious but maybe that puts a little spin on things to think..."My tumor is hilar-ious."

But the really great news is that God is concerned about all the "little things."

So this thing that has been such a BIG part of my life as of late is defined as a "little" thing. And, big or little, as Darla said, God is concerned.

Isn't it great?

Who Am I

2009-01-07T13:55:00.007-06:00

I received this video from my friend, Sarah, months ago and have been meaning to share it here on my blog for quite some time.

God has reminded me of this as I have heard it twice now this week while waiting for my proton therapy.

It is AMAZING! Pause the playlist at the bottom of the page first, and enjoy . . .

One treatment down, nineteen to go . . .

2009-01-06T09:57:00.003-06:00

After much deliberation, the decision was made. Proton therapy it is!

I think we spent a total of five and a half hours at the proton center yesterday. Luckily, it is a really nice place and very peaceful. They even play the local Christian radio station over their intercom.

We spoke to the nurse practitioner for around an hour about our concerns. She answered all our questions. (We were supposed to see the doctor, but not on the "schedule" and therefore, forgotten, until I went to the desk to remind them I was supposed to see the doctor. By then, he was gone for the day.)

She showed us pictures of the CT scan of my chest with the areas that would be "hit" by the radiation and at what doses. We were pleased to see that all the remaining tumor was well covered with radiation, while much (but not all) of my heart and lung is spared.

The clincher for me was when the NP explained that they had considered drawing up an IMRT (the other type of radiation we were considering) treatment plan to compare with the proton plan but it was clear to them that proton therapy was clearly the better choice. Dr. C has been a radiation oncologist for a long time. And I believe if it had been a "close call" or a "toss up" he would have drawn up the IMRT plan.

So, I had my first proton treatment last night. I will have a treatment every Monday through Friday for the next four weeks. For the ten to fifteen minutes I am laying on the table I will be praying that God shields my heart and lung.

On the way home last night, Don and I talked about being a "pioneer" as a lymphoma patient receiving proton therapy. That hopefully, me receiving this treatment will pave the way for it to become accepted as "standard of care" and that many more patients will receive the treatment in the future for their lymphomas.

This morning, I was thinking about those who have gone before me in the treatment of lymphoma. Not too many years ago, Rituxin, one of the drugs I received during my chemo treatments (and will continue to receive, every six months, for the next two years) was not "standard". Thankfully, now it is. And it played/will play a hugely important role in killing my specific type of cancer and keeping it dead. I am SO GRATEFUL for those willing to take a chance on something new. It has and will benefit me greatly in the course of my treatment.

Thanks also to those of you praying for us yesterday. It means a lot to us!

Radiation Decision

2009-01-04T14:41:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late. I thought the proton therapy thing was a done deal, but it has been very complicated. And we still have not made a decision.

The decision WILL be made tomorrow and I wanted to give you all a brief summary so that you could be praying for Don and me as we decide.

Monday, December 22 we went and met with Dr. C at the Proton Center to discuss my eligibility and answer any questions we had about it. We were comfortable and excited and said "yes" this is what we want to do.

They took me down for my planning session. I was scanned and marked. (They used the tattoo marks I already had and added some sharpie marks of their own as reference.)

Then we saw a research nurse who asked if we would be willing to allow them to collect data from my labs and regarding my side effects for future research.

Easy, right?

The next day, we went to see my regular oncologist, Dr. M, for a followup visit after completing chemo. We explained to her that we had decided to go with proton therapy. How we were looking to reduce the risk of long term side effects from radiation, specifically to my heart and lung. She was surprised, but did not have much to say about it at the time.

On the way home, Dr. M called and explained that she had called a radiation oncologist friend and talked with her about proton therapy. This doctor was surprised as well as it is not the "standard of care" for lymphoma patients. She presented me with some questions to be sure we had answered regarding proton therapy so that we could be fully informed.

Well, this goes on for the next week: me calling the proton center, the proton center calling Dr. M, Dr. M calling another radiation oncologist, the proton center calling us, us calling Dr. M. Whew!

So, tomorrow, we are meeting with Dr. C at the Proton Center one more time to be sure that ALL our questions are answered and that I/we understand what it is I am getting myself into here with the proton therapy. That appointment is at 2 p.m. and my first treatment is scheduled for 5 p.m. Obviously, we have to make our decision by then.

We have postponed my other radiation start date by one day as we attempt to make this decision. If we decide NOT to go with the proton therapy, I will start on Tuesday at 2 p.m.

Either way, I will be done the first week in February.

Thanks for your prayers!

Merry Christmas from the Ms and Feller

2008-12-25T10:14:00.001-06:00

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Not Me! Monday

2008-12-22T17:05:00.007-06:00

Another Monday, another chance to show my true self, the MckMama way.

I DID NOT hear M4 fervently pray thanking God that Mommy let him play on the computer all day long. And Don and I certainly DID NOT laugh at him (albeit under our breath) while he was praying. We know better than that. And have reprimanded our other children for laughing at fervent prayers. We would NOT be such a bad example. Besides, he didn't REALLY get to play on the computer ALL DAY.

I DID NOT actually consider getting a motorized cart to do Christmas shopping in Target because I had worn myself out shopping in the Christian Book Store. And if I had actually considered it, I would have talked myself out of it for fear of running over M4 whilst trying to drive the thing.

And becuase I was so tired I definitely DID NOT set a Guiness World Record for checking out at Target SIX DIFFERENT TIMES without leaving the store. You know, there's electronics and Starbuck's and Starbuck's again and electronics again and the snack bar and the regular check out line.

I HAVE NOT had to explain multiple times to M3 what it means in the Christmas carol by line that says, "Mom and Dad can't wait for school to start again" and reassure her that I am not one of 'those' parents . How did she even hear that line to begin with?!? I never knew they said that in that "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"!!

What did you NOT do this week?

I Never Cease to Be Amazed

2008-12-20T10:59:00.006-06:00

Being that Christmas and New Year's are cutting short the next two weeks, I decided that I would gather as much of my records as I could and take them down to the Proton Center so that they would have them when they were ready. (We are looking in to Proton Therapy as an alternative to standard radiation.) So I spent Friday morning driving around picking up medical records.

As I was driving, I was conversing with God. "I don't feel the joy of Christmas, God. There is this thing of death inside of me. It has gotten me down. I want to celebrate life . . ."

And God reminded me, "Christmas is all about LIFE. It is about the my Son, coming to life on earth. But even more than that, it is about the eternal life that you have through Him. So there is no death that can separate you from ME. Can you celebrate that?"

"Yes, I definitely can."

But, it gets even better.

After everything was together, I drove down to the Houston Medical Center to deliver them to the Proton Center. Now, I will preface this by saying, I was not TOLD to bring my records. The only contact I had had yet was to leave a message. But I felt a sense of urgency to deliver these things so that they would have my record WHEN THEY NEEDED THEM. Rather than waiting to be asked, mailing them, waiting for them to be delivered, etc.

We had initially looked into MD Anderson for treatment, so I knew basically what they would need anyway. Why not save some time?

So I get there, speak to the receptionist and tell her I have some things for the nurse with whom I had left the message. The receptionist called the nurse, who didn't know who I was, but knew I didn't have an appointment and was not pleased.

She asked to speak to me on the phone and she told me, "This is just not the way we do things. We don't accept walk-ins. I am with a patient. Give me five minutes and I will be out to see you."

Again, I will interject that I didn't want an "appointment" I only wanted to drop off documents.

So I go sit down and wait. And I'm praying, "God, I don't want to make her mad. She is going to be responsible for getting me in to this place. Please help me here."

As soon as she walked out, I recognized her. I knew her from somewhere. She started explaining to me again how this was not how they handled things.

I interrupted her, "Did you go to (nursing school)?"

She looked at me in shock. "Are you MOLLY?!?"

As it turns out, we were in nursing school together.

Everything turned at that point. She took me into a room and took down all my information. She looked over all the documents I had with me. We worked on getting the things I did not have with me. And she made an appointment for me to come and be seen by the doctor ON MONDAY. She even had the sweetest registration person come and get me registered so that I don't have to come an hour early on Monday.

Again, all I wanted to do was drop off documents.

God led me there yesterday. He had a plan. My classmate is on vacation next week, so I never would have seen her then.

At one point, while I was waiting, she encouraged me to go out to the foyer and see the kids getting their gifts. The children who are being treated at the Proton Center were receiving Christmas gifts and they were having a party. I stood there and watched children from infants to aged ten or so happily opening presents. And I was SO THANKFUL that it is me fighting this battle and not one of my children.

Yes, I can celebrate life this Christmas. For what it is, it is mine and God is still with me in it.

The Week in Review

2008-12-18T17:53:00.001-06:00

This has been a week of lethargy and withdrawal. I am tired in the physical and mental sense. I am tired of having cancer and don't want to think about it. In order to escape, I watch a lot of movies. It is mindless entertainment and keeps the kids busy, too.

But in spite of my desire to withdraw and escape, I have still had to face a lot this week.

Monday was my "planning" session with the radiation oncologist. They use a CT scan machine to locate the remaining tumor and map where they will zap me with radiation. This involved becoming tattooed. Nothing fancy. Just three little dots as reference marks.

Have you ever done something or been somewhere and thought to yourself, "This is just not right . . ."? That was how I felt at my planning session. It wasn't the people helping me or the place, it was just the whole idea of that type of radiation in general. After hearing about all the side effects and risks of damage to my body, everything in me is fighting against it (when I allow myself to think about it at all).

But at the same time, I can't really skip radiation altogether. The lymphoma might come back and we would have to start all over again. And I definitely don't want to start over with chemo!

Wednesday I had another PET scan to take a look at my tumor again post-chemo. This was just the usual injecting of radioactive glucose into my body to be absorbed by the tumor cells. And taking a picture to see just how "active" the cells are.

It was actually a good mental break for me, sitting in quiet for two hours, because my brain has literally become "hypersensitive" as a side effect of the chemo. It has become difficult to even single-task (as opposed to multi-task). If I have to think too hard it actually makes me nauseated.

Thursday we got the report on the PET scan and it was an "improvement" over the last scan. It is difficult to say if what remains is actually tumor cells or just residual inflammation. But if any cancer cells are remaining, radiation should take care of it. According to my doctor, I definitely don't need any more chemo!

Also Thursday I started looking into another type of radiation called proton therapy. We have had three doctors tell us that it was not an option. But our friend, Bernie, a cancer researcher, had mentioned it WAAAY back at the beginning of all this and so I still held out hope that I might be eligible. There just has to be a better way to radiate me without permanently damaging my insides . . .

I called the MD Anderson center in Houston (the only one in this part of the country) and they said the ONLY TYPE of lymphoma they treat at the proton center is one involving a MASS IN THE CHEST. Hallelujah!!

Stay tuned for the Proton Center story . . .

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-17T15:48:00.005-06:00

all I can say is, "Oh La La!"(note the quarter for scale . . .)

Not Me! Monday

2008-12-16T21:01:00.000-06:00

Welcome to another edition of Not Me! Monday.

On a particularly tired day last week, when I had the house to myself, I did NOT feel compelled to go and meet M2, M3 and M4 who were in the good hands of my parents, for dinner instead of staying home and enjoying the peace and quiet and rest.

After getting all the boys' hair cuts just before Thanksgiving, I did NOT ignore M2 because I did not recognize him coming out of church.

I did NOT almost have a panic attack after getting to our seats at the Reliant Stadium because my muscles were literally trembling and I feared that I would not have the energy to make it back to our car.

That could NOT possibly be all I have to say for myself for the last few weeks, because, well, I am NOT still fighting side effects and fatigue from chemo or anything.

A Magical Day

2008-12-10T20:50:00.000-06:00

It was a magical day today. Not quite in the sense of a trip to Disney, but in this cancer adventure, it falls pretty close!

I started the morning at the oncologists office having my overnight pump disconnected. This completed my LAST ROUND of chemotherapy!! And in honor of the occasion, I got to RING THE BELL.

They have a bell in the office that patients get to ring when they finish chemo. I have sat and looked at the bell and the little poem that accompanies it every time I went in for treatment, looking forward to when it would be my turn.

I only had the priviledge to hear one other person ring the bell before, but it was a very exciting thing to me.

And when it was my turn, I couldn't believe how many people came running and those that didn't were quick to congratulate me as I left the office. It was a very big deal. And a great beginning to the day.

This afternoon, more magic began. SNOW in southern Texas!! It came down all afternoon. Beautiful, fluffy, soft, white snow. The temperature was such that it had no where to stick, but it was glorious watching it fall. The kids were beside themselves with excitement. M3 has been saying for months now that it would snow for Christmas. It definitely felt a lot more like Christmas today!

M3 and M4 playing in the snow. M4 is looking at the flakes on his arm.

And tonight, I got to go to our Ladies' Christmas Party/Gift Exchange. It is one of those exchanges where you take a number, take your turn and either draw a present from the pile under the tree or take (redistribute is the politically correct term, I am told) a gift that has already been opened, if you want to. It was a great evening of fellowship and lots of laughter. I know I laughed a lot (the best laugh coming from envisioning Angela unknowingly "drinking" a birthday candle up a straw with her tomato soup). And I left thinking, as the snow continued to fall, that if all the chemo hadn't healed me yet, the laughter of the evening certainly must have.

OUCH! and the Radiation Plan

2008-12-07T19:49:00.006-06:00

Thursday was a busy day.

My cousin, Jan, came to town Wednesday night so that she could go with my mom and me to our Women's Bible Study. We were very blessed to have Jeanette Clift George come and speak to our little group. If you have been following along, she is one of the amazing things I was speaking of in this post back in October. God had redirected our plan for Bible Study for the fall (I was supposed to be leading) and many people stepped in to take my place with a six week study of Ephesians. God "filled in" the two empty weeks for us with Jeanette and my friend Darla who is coming next week.

Well, before Bible Study, I rolled my ankle in the parking lot of the church. UGH! I really thought I had broken it.

After Bible Study my mom took me to the urgent care center. The doctor looked at me and said he thought it was just sprained but got xrays anyway. Yep, no break. They sent me home with an air cast and crutches. I am supposed to use them until Monday, but I think it will probably be longer. Mostly because I am being a really bad patient and not using the crutches around the house. I am trying to stay off my feet. Really, I am.

As if that weren't enough for one day, I had an appointment in the afternoon with a radiation oncologist. I was looking forward to finding out details about a plan for radiation. And here is the plan: I will get a four week break after chemo (last treatment this Tuesday). Radiation will start on January 5th and go for 4 1/2 weeks. Everyday Monday through Friday. 15 to 20 minutes a day.

The main side effects I will most likely have will be coughing (my lungs will be burned by the radiation), heartburn (my esophagus will be effected by the radiation), skin sensitivity (more burning - like a bad sunburn?) and fatigue. They will be gradual, so most likely I will not have any of these until around the third week or so.

At first, I was disappointed not to be starting radiation sooner. The sooner we start, the sooner it will be over. But the more I think about it, I realize it will be good to recover from chemo and have a few weeks side effect free.

So, I am looking forward to a "Christmas Break" from treatment.

Words of Hope

2008-12-03T20:34:00.003-06:00

God spoke to me on Sunday about Hope. It is the week of hope in the advent season. He said, "watch and listen" and you will hear about hope from Me.

I haven't gone looking for hope, but it is finding me.

I got an email of encouragement today from my friend and lymphoma survivor, Michael, about having the "endurance of hope" (in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 1:3).

And tonight, M3 came home with a prize from choir. It was a ring. She said, "I tried to find one that said 'faith' but this was all they had." It says "hope".

If you have any "words of hope" I would love to hear them.

Good News

2008-11-25T17:21:00.008-06:00

I have been fantasizing about this post for several weeks now. But it seems that fantasy and reality do not always match up.

First of all, I want to thank you for your prayers on my behalf and that of my family for this specific scan. It is the first thing I have faced on my journey that has caused me anxiety that it seemed I could not shake.

While I would have to say my anxiety gradually subsided yesterday and today, I am still in a funk. I was not my normal self in dealing with the people who cared for me before and during the scan. I didn't like that.

As I faced alterations in "my plan" for the two days, I could see God's hand in them: I could not get a copy of the PET scan IMMEDIATELY after it was complete. The "plan" was to bring it home in order to have a "heads up" on what the report would say - tumor gone or not. Now that I have the PET scan in my hot little hands, I realize, it would have been extremely frustrating for me to try to read because it looks different that a CT scan. I wouldn't have known what I was looking at.

We thought we would see the doctor first thing this morning and get the results then. She didn't end up seeing me until 2 p.m. so I had to wait through my entire round of chemo before I could find out. I was worried that if I did know I needed to extend my treatment regimen to four more, that I was going to have some kind of nervous breakdown right there in the chemo room. At least I didn't have the information to fuel a breakdown!

When we finally saw the doctor she was very encouraged by the scan. She even commented on the radiologists comment, which said, "there has been dramatic response". The tumor now measures 3.0 x 1.9 cm. Previously it was 11.8 x 7.4 x 8.0.

The tumor is not gone. But its size and behavior (it is not "active")are very positive signs. Dr. M even considered that what remains may simply be scar tissue that will gradually resolve.

I will have to admit that I was a little disappointed not to hear the word GONE, but the good news, for sure, is that I will only have one more chemo treatment on December 9. With radiation to follow two to three weeks later.

My mom pointed out a passage of scripture that reminded her of "The Retreat of the Dust Bunny"

The woman had a blood disease for twelve years and no one could heal her. She came up to Jesus in a crowd and touched the hem of His garment. Immediately, she was healed. Jesus felt the power go out of Him and He asked, "Who touched me?"

Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

I believe I felt immediate healing that day in my driveway as the dust bunny "retreated". My faith and your prayers of faith have healed me.

May I tremble at the feet of the One with the power to heal, and not tremble in anticipation of test results and doctors reports. There is no power in them. (So true, Leah)

And as I proceed beyond my cancer, I pray I do it with peace.

Monday Update

2008-11-24T20:54:00.002-06:00

I went for my PET scan today. No word on what they saw yet. Hopefully I will get the report when I go for chemo tomorrow. I will let you know what I find out.

Thanks for your prayers!

Ponderings

2008-11-19T08:58:00.004-06:00

Seeing my cousin lose her battle to cancer has shaken me. I realize that it was a different type of cancer, the battle itself was much different as was the prognosis. But, all of the sudden, I feel out of control in facing my disease.

This brings up two things: First, when I was going through the entire diagnosis process, I was completely out of control. But God was in control and that was what kept me steady. Second, if I was OK with being out of control back then, something has changed. I have begun to get "comfortable" with the way things are going and with my "plan" for my treatment.

While there is a huge degree of routine to my cancer treatment (there is a flow chart that oncologists use) the reality is that everyone is different. And even as I hope that I will follow the flow chart, the "what if?"s have been raised that I have never raised before.

What if the tumor is still there on Monday (my next PET/CT scan)? What if I am still doing chemo at Christmas? What if chemo and radiation aren't enough?

Some of it has to do with being in the battle. When I was going through the tests before I started treatment, I didn't know what I was in for. It was all a process leading to a plan. Now I am in the middle of the battle and I know exactly what my scan results are going to mean this time. What it means for me. What it means for my body. What it means for my family.

I am getting tired. To some degree I just don't have the fortitude that I once had to "let go". But in my weakness, He will be strong.

Please pray that the tumor is GONE on Monday. Pray that my faith will stay strong. I have believed all along that it will be gone. I am praising Him for healing me.

Lord, please help my unbelief.

Not Me! Monday

2008-11-17T20:40:00.003-06:00

We are NOT running late decorating our pumpkins this fall . . .

And this is NOT the back of my head.

For Tana

2008-11-15T06:11:00.005-06:00

My cousin, Tana, was healed completely in her valiant battle with bone cancer Thursday night. She is with Jesus.

While I rejoice that she has been delivered through the fire and into the arms of her Saviour, my heart breaks for those who have been left behind: her husband of 23 years, John, their two young sons, Cody and Ryan and many other family members and friends. Please pray for them as they mourn.

What I will always remember about Tana was that she was beautiful, both inside and out. If you will take some time to read her blog "In the Shadow" on the sidebar, you will get the opportunity to experience the beauty that she had in Christ.

I wanted to share a few excerpts from her blog that captured my attention last night.

The first was written by Tana in early March of this year as she was recovering from her first hip surgery:

It snowed today and the boys got out of school at 1:00 pm. It was fun to watch them play in the front yard snow through the window and throw snowballs - just wish I could be out there with them because the snow forts and the snowmen need my creative touch!

Which brings me to what's on my mind for all you wives and moms today: take time to play with your kids and enjoy being with them - enjoy the little things like those crazy carpools and those sport games they play that you'd never watch except that they are your kids and volunteering at those chaotic school events:) Enjoy your husbands - take every opportunity to show that you love them and respect them. John and I have been married for almost 23 years and I can see so many things now that I have taken for granted for a long time.

I guess there's nothing that makes you appreciate life more than not being able to live it. So love and be loved today. Thank God for what you have - though your life may not be perfect, it is good and perfect in His time.

The second was written yesterday morning by her husband John, after she had gone to be with Jesus:

Men, give you wives a hug today and everyday, pray for them daily. We have all heard it said so many times that we do not know how many days we have here on this earth. It's true.

My prayer is that what Tana has written over the last 10 months would speak to you in some way no matter where you are in you walk with Jesus and that you would draw closer to Him as a result.

How we take each day, each person in our lives for granted. Things can change in an instant.

So take time for those you love today. Spend some time with God. This is the day we have all been given.

Glimpses of Chemo

2008-11-13T10:34:00.020-06:00

I start the morning with a blood draw. Then find a seat in the chemo room.

Because I am there all day, I take lots to do. (But usually I don't get anything done.) It always looks like I'm moving in! They hook up my port to the IV and off we go.

I get a total of 3 bags of IV medication. Two chemo drugs and 1 cocktail of antinausea drugs with Benadryl. My last drug comes home with me on the pump for the night.

Round four is down!

Not Me! Monday

2008-11-10T07:08:00.003-06:00

Because there is still humor to be found in life in spite of cancer, I have decided to participate in MckMama's "Not Me!" Monday. (If you haven't checked out her blog yet from my sidebar, take a look here.)

Since this is my first time, it includes several weeks of "Not Me's".

I hope you guys enjoy seeing the real me . . .

_____________________________________________________

I did NOT have the following conversation with one of my precious M's (who will remain anonymous to protect the guilty)while being driven around town by a friend:

M?: Mom, can I roll down my window? (In the car, travelling 50 MPH)

Me: No

M?: Well, then, what am I supposed to do with my booger?

_____________________________________________________

We do NOT own a golden retriever, who, when NOT taken to the vet to be dipped was NOT harboring over 300 ticks from unknown origin (and we do NOT know that the exact number THEY picked off was 332 because every tech and receptionist and vet in the office did NOT reiterate the number to me and my husband.)

_____________________________________________________

I did NOT have to tell my sweet angel friends Kimberly, Kimberly and Lisa that it was OK to throw away yogurt with an expiration date of 04/08 when they cleaned out my refrigerator last week. And I MOST EMPHATICALLY DID NOT ask if bagged carrots had an expiration date.

_____________________________________________________

My four children and I could NOT possibly have accumulated an entire 30 gal kitchen trash bag full of trash in my van in the last three weeks. (I did clean it out only three weeks ago, after all!) We've hardly BEEN in the van and where could all that have come from anyway?!
_____________________________________________________

M4 definitely did NOT watch Veggietale's "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" 15 times over a three day period.
_____________________________________________________

I certainly did NOT almost blow a gasket in the Sonic Drive-Thru when M4 insisted on having a small Sprite after ordering him a large. And I MOST CERTAINLY did NOT sheepishly ask for a small cup to go with my large Sprite when I got to the window to pick up said drink.

Have a great Monday!

Things don't always go as planned

2008-11-09T16:27:00.007-06:00

My week last week didn't go as I had planned. I should have known that as soon as I posted a "routine" my life would be anything but.

Like I said in my previous post, my bad "half-day" came early, on Monday. The plan was for my SIL Erin to be here on Wednesday night for the bad days Thursday and Friday. Luckily, my parents were available and got me through the bad night. And Erin got to stay home for my niece, Anna's, birthday. God had it all worked out.

So, since my bad days came on what were supposed to be my productive days, I thought I would get productive days on what were supposed to be my bad days. But what I got were very tired days. No productivity there. And not much energy for anything else. Luckily, there wasn't much to do. God is in control.

On a bigger scale, things didn't exactly go my way in the presidential election this week either. As we watched the votes come in, disappointment poured over our house, just like it did in 46% of the households in America. But then, John McCain gave his speech to the nation. And he said, "He (Obama) is my President". May we all have the patriotism to say the same. And be obedient to our call to pray for him as our leader. Because I am sure that if God can take care of the little details in my life this week, by golly, He's got a handle on the White House.

. . . for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. Proverbs 8:15

The Retreat of the Dust Bunny

2008-11-06T07:39:00.009-06:00

Warning: The following entry includes lots of big medical terminology so proceed at your own risk (just kidding!)

I feel good. My bad days have turned into "half a bad day" and came early this week (on Monday). So I have been enjoying semi-good days since.

I had an interesting experience in the tumor department yesterday. Let me see if I can put it into words.

Visualize a B level horror movie: Attack of the Blob. A big blob attacking a city and moving around things as it comes across them.

OK. Now visualize the inside of my chest. My tumor (aka: dust bunny) is the blob and it has grown from a little golf ball to a big grapefruit and in the process it has crammed itself across my chest, between my sternum (breast bone) and esophagus and on top of my heart, pushing it down. (See the picture below from one of my CT scans (9/10/08). The greyish blob (top center) is the tumor, the white blob underneath it is my heart and the black is my lungs.)

Now visualize the tumor shrinking, but being stuck in this crammed in position. Sort of being pulled like a rubber band or silly putty, but being stuck at the same time.

My chest (tumor) was hurting today and I started coughing. I was a little concerned because I haven't done that in a while and I was starting to think the tumor might be growing again. I was very irritable. I was trying to explain to Don how I felt, but there weren't really words to describe it. I felt "stressed in my chest".

But other than the tumor pain, I was feeling good today. So I was . . . organizing my kitchen cabinets. I was carrying 15 telephone books out to the car to recycle along with other stuff that needed to go to the garage.

I was standing behind my van and I felt "the retreat of the blob". Visualize the blob crammed into my chest pulling back across to the right from whence it came, back under the sternum and to the other side. In my mind, it was like the B movie in reverse. The blob "rewinding", literally, in a matter of seconds.

A little while later, I had a snack, and it felt different to eat it. The food went down much easier. I didn't even know it could be so easy to swallow, it has been so long.

I think I had been coughing because the tumor (shrinking, but stuck) was pulling my right lung (where the tumor originates) to the left, until it shrunk back to the right, then I stopped coughing.

My heart has been beating really hard this afternoon. At first, this worried me a little, too, thinking the tumor was pressing on it again. But I think it is the opposite. It has been "freed" in my chest and it doesn't know quite what to do with all the room. It is "readjusting".

Now, this is all just my theory, but I think this is what happened. I can't believe that the tumor could have still been so big that it was all the way across my chest, but I guess it was.

The tumor pain (on the right side) is much less now.

Please pray that it will continue to shrink and that in two weeks (when I have my next scan) that it will be COMPLETELY GONE. That would mean only two more rounds of chemo.

The Kitchen Table

2008-11-04T15:22:00.004-06:00

Some of you have asked to see a picture of my kitchen table, so here it is:

Isn't God great?!?

The End of Daylight Savings Time is Rough

2008-11-02T23:20:00.005-06:00

Three out of four of them were actually asleep . . .

Our Routine

2008-11-02T22:24:00.005-06:00

I thought I would give you a run-down of the typical two-week routine (not including kids' stuff . . .) Sorry it's sort of a repeat of the last post, but more complete:

Thursday (Oct 30 was the start of this two week period): Chemo. This takes most of the day. I go in at 9 a.m., get my blood checked, see the doctor and then get my drugs. Usually, I am finished by 3 p.m. They hook me up to a portable pump that comes home with me to give me my last chemo drug overnight (the skin eating one :) ) After chemo, I am usually wiped out, because they give me Benadryl IV to prevent an allergic reaction to one of my drugs (Rituxin). I can never "sleep it off" at chemo, so I do that once I get home for about an hour and a half. Usually the evening I am fine, but go to bed early to the sound of my little pump doing its job by my head.

Friday: In the morning, I go back to the doctor to have my pump discontinued and I get a shot of Neulasta (for boosting my white blood cell count). This drug has worked so well, my levels have never dropped. So I don't go to the doctor for anything else between now and my next chemo (typically).

Saturday & Sunday: I usually have a little bone pain from the Neulasta doing its job. When we are busy on the weekend, I can tend to get a little tired. It seems the nausea from the chemo is getting a little worse each time around, but not too bad. (That's where we are today)

Monday: By now, I am usually doing well. Taking my steroids gives me an energy boost today and I try to be "superproductive" in anticipation of the down days that are coming.

Tuesday: My last day of steroids. Try to make it another productive day. Maids come.

Wednesday: Coming off the steroids, but usually not too tired. By late afternoon or early evening, the muscles in my shoulders start to ache. The toxins are building up in there on their way out of my body. Because it signifies tumor death, it is an extremely positive thing, but it is uncomfortable. We are learning to rub, rub, rub. That seems to make a big difference in getting them (the toxins) out of my system.

Thursday: Boy am I tired by now. The toxins are worse. It is a vicious cycle. My muscles ache, so I get tense. My tension makes my muscles ache worse. I get more tense. Etc, etc. Getting a real, professional massage at this point has helped tremendously. And it is not for pampering. It is, to me, a medical necessity. I do a lot of sitting, laying down, resting and sleeping. And someone else (an angel in disguise) comes and does anything I should be doing. My family greatly appreciates this, too.

Friday: I usually wake up with the tail end of the achyness. My kidneys hurt last, so that is usually an indicator we are near the end. The toxins are leaving the body. After lunchtime, I am usually up for an errand (if someone else drives). But we usually keep the day pretty low key.

Saturday & Sunday: Same as before, I usually have more energy, but get tired fast if we are busy. It doesn't hurt to have a back-up driver with me just in case.

Monday: My energy starts to return and I feel decent (if I haven't overdone it over the weekend). I do think that gradually I am losing overall energy each round. So I am probably at 75% now when "full" energy returns.

Tuesday: I keep trying to do as much as I can to feel "normal". Drive carpool. Go to practices and games. Get homework done. Go outside.

Wednesday: Time to gear up for another round to begin. Boy they are going by fast!

Update

2008-10-28T12:45:00.003-05:00

I guess you guys might like to know how I am doing these days. As you can see from recent posts, it has been a busy weekend of birthdays.

My "steroid days" which were Friday through Tuesday after chemo #2 were very constructive. I have learned (very quickly) to use those days to the fullest because my body and mind go 90 to nothing and I know the days of "nothing" are coming.

So by Thursday, my bad day, I literally have nothing to do but just make it through.

And this time, it was much better. The pain was considerably less, thanks to much muscle rubbing by family and friends. And a great massage at the spa (thanks, Marie!) Whereas I needed narcotics the first time around, all I took this time was Advil. BIG improvement!

While the pain was much less, it allowed the fatigue to be much more evident. But, as my dad said, there's a solution to that: rest. So that is what I did.

I had a "substitute" SIL to come help me last week, my sister-in-Christ, Marie W. She worked while I rested. And she did it with great joy. Thank you, my friend!

Now I am gearing up for round #3 this Thursday. If I only end up with six rounds (instead of eight), that means I am half-way through! (We won't know exactly how many rounds for a few more weeks.)

As always, thanks for praying, and for checking up on me,

For My Fourthborn

2008-10-26T19:42:00.000-05:00

You are four today, my fourthborn son.

Life should be pretty fun.

But your mom is sick (even though she looks pretty normal) and that makes life hard in ways that you don't understand.

You don't understand, but you want to be with me all the time. Like you did when you were two.

And it breaks your mommy's heart to have to leave you.

You don't understand when mommy says I need to sleep in my bed instead of on the couch with you because "I didn't make your hair fall out, Mommy".

We are trying to keep life as normal as possible for all of you. But for you, normal is pretty simple. And even simple is hard right now.

You are lucky to have two big brothers and a big sister. They love you so much. They help keep your life "normal" in spite of circumstances.

I hope, when you remember turning four, you remember your Star Wars toys, having donunt holes with your friends at church, and the rainbow birthday party you have been planning for six months.

You are such a happy boy!

You have brought joy to our lives from the day you were born.

Love,
Mom

For My Firstborn

2008-10-25T18:53:00.008-05:00

You are thirteen today, my firstborn son.

Life is beginning to come at you, for real.

The past year has brought some disappointments that your dad and I have been unable to shield you from. You have had to face them and come out on the other side.

I think, for all of us, it has been a learning experience. Sometimes things don't go your way. When you get through it, though, some things turn out even better than you could have expected. And we realize, God knew what He was doing all along.

You are learning that God protects, even when we don't know that we need it.

Never forget the trip to the beach we planned that had to be cancelled because your little sister was sick. The three of you couldn't understand why, when you had prayed that we would all be well, that she wasn't. I think I needed to hear what I told you as much as you children did:

"Sometimes God says 'NO'."

When He does, it is for our benefit. For our protection.

We will never know why we couldn't go to the beach that time, but we trust that God did it for our good.

God has said 'NO' to much bigger prayers since then. We wonder why. But we trust that He knows and it is because He loves us.

You are the "man of the house" when Dad is away. This is a role you have taken very seriously for years. Remember that you can protect but God is the ultimate protector.

Sometimes, He allows things we would call "bad" to happen to us. There is nothing you or I or your dad could do to keep it from happening. But God takes everything, everything and makes it good. You will see.

I am proud of who you are and the man you are becoming.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

You Never Know

2008-10-24T06:41:00.002-05:00

You never know how God is going to use something you do or say for someone's benefit in the future.

Eight years ago this summer, my friend Robbie had no way of knowing how important her introduction to a love of hats would be for me today. She gave me my first hat for my 31st birthday. In the years since, I have collected and worn many hats.

And on those hat-wearing occasions, the many people who have said, "You look great in a hat" couldn't have known how that would help me today.

On one of my "hat days" years ago, my husband told me, "You would be beautiful, even if you didn't have any hair." And, I think, that helps me most of all.

Can you see how I can smile, even with a bald head?

God prepared me, even for this.

. . . going, gone!

2008-10-23T07:54:00.005-05:00

I am an adventurer at heart. If I could, I would be exploring the Grand Canyon, sailing the ocean, skydiving. But I have my husband and four kids that God has graciously given me and they would like for me to be alive and at home.

So I get to have adventures in different ways. Exploring a tree trunk infested with termites with M2. Helping M4 climb a tree (that seems as big as a mountain to him). Playing laser tag all night long (and getting to be a vampire in one of the games - you never die!) with M1. Having a "sleep over" with my M3 at a local hotel. A photography trip with my husband.

This cancer journey in my life is sort of an adventure to me, too. The day I had my first CT scan and saw "the golf ball" I can remember the excited anticipation of an adventure ahead. I don't know why I wasn't afraid. I guess I knew from the beginning God was going to take care of me. I knew He was going to get me through "to the other side". That I would live.

So today, I had an excuse to shave my head. I've never had a good reason to do it before. Most people don't have a good reason to do it. Just like climbing a mountain. It is placed before you, and you go for it. It's an adventure.

Linda came to the house again. The kids watched what was left of my hair come off.

From what I understand, I should grow about 1/2 to 1 inch of hair over the course of two months once I stop chemo. That will be December or January. So, by the spring, I should be sporting a snazzy crew cut.

An Uneventful Weekend

2008-10-20T16:03:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to update you all and let you know that it really has been uneventful.

There was nothing besides the usual soccer, baseball, birthday parties, etc. (Oh, and my husband's 30th High School Reunion!!) That means: no bone pain from the Neulasta, very little nausea, moderate fatigue (I didn't go to the reunion . . .). But that's it!

My second chemo was last Thursday. So my "bad days" are coming Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. But if what has been so far this round is any indicator of what is to come, it should be much easier.

But, either way, we are prepared.

As alway, thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

God Speaks in the Quiet

2008-10-18T00:11:00.007-05:00

I have to say, I try to take naps. I get tired, get everyone distracted and lay down. And I do rest. That must be all I really need.

Because when I rest, God speaks to me. Not in an audible voice, but in my heart. He will redirect my thoughts and impress something on me that moments before I was not even thinking about.

Remember, I said I knew He would be WITH me in this post. And so, when I am still and quiet, He speaks.

Sometimes He reveals things to me to share on the blog. A few weeks ago He told me it was "time to stop" leading Bible Study. The next day He inspired me with ideas of what could be done in my place, when I had already given it up completely.

He is continuing to amaze me with what He is doing on that front. And I hope to share more of that in the future.

But the other day, He told me it was time to buy a table. Now I wasn't even going to share this, but M1 said I should because God told me to do it.

The short story behind the table is that I have been shopping for a new kitchen table for two years. I had found the exact one I wanted on ebay two years ago, but the timing wasn't right. I failed to get the sellers info and the table info and when it came bonus time in the spring, it was completely gone.

Since then, I have looked on and off in vain for anything closely resembling the table I liked. I have searched the internet for hours. Driven all over town to furniture stores. And even left my phone number at those stores to be called when something like what I wanted came in. But all to no avail.

It had to be round and with eight seats. (Our table seats six, so when we have any company we have to squeeze in on the ends). I wasn't in a hurry and knew some day I would find it.

So, God tells me it's time.

And I think it must have been on the day it was listed. Because I actually forgot for a few days. But when I went to ebay, entered my parameters and got the items that fit, there was MY table. Not the exact one I had seen before, but it was round and had eight seats and was just perfect. And not only that, it was "pick up only" in my city!!

I did get permission from my husband first. And then I BOUGHT it!!

Today it is in our kitchen. We all had dinner around the table together.

And I am grateful that God can even speak to me about something so small as a kitchen table. And that I HEARD Him.

Going, going . . .

2008-10-15T16:01:00.010-05:00

It's started raining hair here at our house.

For many months I have been planning on growing my hair out to donate to Locks of Love, and organization that makes wigs for children with hair loss. M3 and I did this two years ago and I was looking forward to doing it again.

The cut has come a few inches prematurely, but, the situation being what it is, it looked like it was either now or at least not for a very, very long time.

I am fortunate to have established a relationship with my hairstylist, Linda, over the last 21 years. She was the only one I would let cut my hair, especially on this auspicious occasion. And so, she came to the house, so that it could be a family affair.

Originally, the plan was to shave my head so that I could get the maximum length to donate. But M3 is praying that I won't lose my hair (completely) so I had to at least give God something to work with. She (M3) even got in on the action, cutting one of my braids.

So, for now, I can still go out in public with my head uncovered. And it feels good to have lightened the load. (But M4 thinks I'm scary.)

Doctor's Visit

2008-10-14T16:17:00.002-05:00

Don and I went to see my oncologist on Monday.

We were updated on many of my tests of late and my labs all looked good. My heart on the echo looked good and the bone marrow biopsy was negative. No cancer is in my bone. So pretty good news, all around.

Even better news to me, and an answer to the prayers I requested, she predicted that my next "bad days" wouldn't be as bad as the first go 'round. She said my experience was "not normal" but probably due to the excessive toxins given off by the tumor. The bigger the tumor the greater the toxins. The smaller the tumor gets, the less toxins it will give off as it dies.

She explained the stuff given off is similar to what happens to your uterus when you are in labor, only this stuff invades all of your muscles, all over your body, constantly. And that was pretty much how I had described the pain, like being in labor, but all over my body.

So, I've enjoyed a few more good days, bought hats, shopped for wigs and prepared for round #2 on Thursday.

Good Days

2008-10-12T22:20:00.006-05:00

We continue to learn the "two week cycle".

Feeling better Saturday was a huge answer to prayer for me because it was my Dad's birthday and I really wanted to feel good that day. My Mom and Dad have been helping out so much and it is great to have them around. But it was my Dad's day and I definitely didn't want the focus to be on me.

Dad and I had a hysterical trip with M4 to M1's baseball game on Saturday. That stuff that goes in the Darth Vader mask - it's a stimulant (and he's feeling much better). M4 talked non-stop for over three hours. It made us tired just to listen to him. He was especially concerned with navigating us to the fields using the mapquest map. Even M1 could hear him from the stands in the dugout once we made it to the game.

It was a beautiful day to be at the ballpark and see M1 make some great plays at first base and right field and hit a solid single which led to his being the tying run. (They ended up winning the game.)

It was great to have my brother, Allen, and his family in town to celebrate Dad's birthday all together, too.

And Sunday was better than Saturday.

I actually think in some ways I feel better than I did before I started chemo. (I remember the woman sitting next to me during chemo saying she didn't know how sick she had really been until after she started chemo and felt better.)

It is encouraging to think that the tumor must be shrinking, because I have not coughed since my first treatment. My heart is definitely beating easier. Besides being generally fatigued, I honestly think I feel better than I have in months.

At least for a few days.

Please pray for me as I get ready to start the cycle over on Thursday. It is impossible to wrap my brain around the idea that I am willingly choosing to poison myself again. Especially now that I know what I'm in for. I have to say I am a little apprehensive.

Thank you everyone for the continuous flow of encouraging words via email and cards. It lifts my spirit each and every day.

When it rains . . .

2008-10-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, life can just be a lot to bear at once.

Luckily, it's a group effort here.

M4 had some respiratory issues this morning. Normally, I have my wits about me and can think through everything and get the job done as nurse/momma.

But today, I had to call in the reserves. And even the doctor.

Imagine my surprise when I got an email from Don entitled "Yoda".

Here's what I got:

Star Wars is pretty big at our house. So that is how we make nebulizer treatments enjoyable. I think M4 likened himself to Dar Gater (aka Darth Vader)because of the lovely respiration sounds the machine makes. What fun!