Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Ponderings

Seeing my cousin lose her battle to cancer has shaken me. I realize that it was a different type of cancer, the battle itself was much different as was the prognosis. But, all of the sudden, I feel out of control in facing my disease.

This brings up two things: First, when I was going through the entire diagnosis process, I was completely out of control. But God was in control and that was what kept me steady. Second, if I was OK with being out of control back then, something has changed. I have begun to get "comfortable" with the way things are going and with my "plan" for my treatment.

While there is a huge degree of routine to my cancer treatment (there is a flow chart that oncologists use) the reality is that everyone is different. And even as I hope that I will follow the flow chart, the "what if?"s have been raised that I have never raised before.

What if the tumor is still there on Monday (my next PET/CT scan)? What if I am still doing chemo at Christmas? What if chemo and radiation aren't enough?

Some of it has to do with being in the battle. When I was going through the tests before I started treatment, I didn't know what I was in for. It was all a process leading to a plan. Now I am in the middle of the battle and I know exactly what my scan results are going to mean this time. What it means for me. What it means for my body. What it means for my family.

I am getting tired. To some degree I just don't have the fortitude that I once had to "let go". But in my weakness, He will be strong.

Please pray that the tumor is GONE on Monday. Pray that my faith will stay strong. I have believed all along that it will be gone. I am praising Him for healing me.

Lord, please help my unbelief.

9 comments:

Khadra said...

I hope you get the best possible results from your scan. Im so sorry about your cousin.

Anonymous said...

Molly, you are amazing. We are following your blog and praying for you. Diana Stasey

Anonymous said...

God knows and understands your feelings of uncertainty and fears and sorrow. Please know that we are continuing daily to pray for you, "without ceasing" in our FAITH that HE IS HEALING YOU!
"I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you, 3 Ne. 17:8. Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen," Ether 12:6.

Anonymous said...

Molly,
I'm praying for you to have a clean scan on Monday, for you to have the strength you need to fight the battle, and for you to be comforted as you mourn for Tana.
Loving you,

Not the friend that was driving the bugger car.

Steve said...

Dear Molly,

The questions you raise are natural in this battle. I have asked them myself during mine. I have spoken with a number of people that have gotten through the "flow chart," come out the other sidee and still question things to come. It is natural. Understand that your strength and that of your family will carry you through what ever the reults of the CT/PET scan might be. Also, your strength will carry you through the continuation of your way along the flow chart. The greatest advice given to me by a dear friend who is also a cancer survivor is: "Take one event at a time." This philosophy has carried me through many of the tough times already and continues to do so. Hopefully, it might help you too. My prayers and hopes are with you and your family.

Steve in MD

Teresa Moon said...

You are loved and you are being prayed for every single day by so many people. Hang in there. God is in control!!

Teresa

Aspiemom said...

I think it is natural to fluctuate in your coping skills when you have a serious illness. Those of us with CF do. We have periods where we feel we can "kick butt" and then times when we feel beaten down and wiped out. I think with just losing your cousin to cancer it is, also, natural for these thoughts.

My blog is titled "Then Am I Strong", because of that verse that you mentioned. If we don't feel these weaknesses, we wouldn't know God's strength. Let him hold you and walk with you and carry your load for you.

I'll pray for a good outcome to your scan on Monday.

Sandy said...

I just came across your blog via A Big Boy, A Baby Girl, and A Precious Pug...you will be in my thought and prayers. Stay strong!

Roxy said...

praying that it is GONE today!